blessings

its crazy when you find that someone that makes you smile, that their touch makes butterflies appear, and their eyes out shine the stars.
its even crazier when they understand you and still love you, after a visit to the rents.

i saw my mother this weekend, it was fun, we played a lot of scrabble. but we also had a lot of spiritual talks and talks about my family/siblings. i saw my oma, and we talked about my siblings, i saw my dad and step mom, and we talked about siblings.

is it really that hard to just let people be? to accept that we cant figure everyone out.. that not everyone fits a text book?
maybe im just tired of being in the middle. i dont know. i talked about joe alot this weekend too.. about how i stole my siblings child hood. and how thats affecting them now. being with my rents, makes me want to cry. so many memories that i wish i didnt have.
why is he being brought back up all of a sudden? i went years without hearing about him. then i see him once in four years, just in passing. and i tell no one in my family about the sighting. but now he's being brought up everywhere. i hate it.

i also discovered this weekend that i am a huge control freak. james quite honestly told me its because i grew up not trusting and having to take care of myself. so i need to be in control of my life and what happens in it. It makes perfect sense and i was already praying about it, when my mom brought it up and made it seem like i was ruining my life with this sin that has been passed on through the generations.
i also feel terrible because she thinks i tell her everything.. that i trust her...
again with my trust issues.

i want to thankyou james for listening, understanding and still loving me after my crazy stupid emotionally draining weekend.