blogging is not the hot thing any more.. thank goodness. because i need to write my thoughts without being afraid of who might see them.

married life, it doesnt feel much different than before. sure we fight about the dishes, the laundry and bills, but we were doing that before too.

im pregnant so my hormones are off the charts ridiculous! i get irritated by everyone around me so easily. the constant talking and talking over, little side swipes that are harmless but push me off the edge.

i've never felt more poor than i do now. or since i started dating/married life. im terrified of how poor we will be when this baby gets here.

ive realized all family drama is the same, no matter what family you attach yourself too or legally bound yourself too.. they always look at you as young and foolish, we will never live up to their expectations, and little things that we honestly just forgot are enough to shun you out.

im tired of this battle for the parents. im tired of the drama they create.

im terrified of the talks i am going to have with my parents.. each set about the rules surrounding my child. i hate what i hear from each of them and if i can sheild my child from their hatred they spread, i feel that i will save him/her so much future pain.

with each new day, a new hurt opens its wings. a thing so small and beautiful, so innocent and trusting... turns adults into fighting animals, marking territory.

it may be my hormones but my mind and heart cant take soo much emotional stress to go along with physical exhaustion and general stress of when it rains.. it pours.

struggles are what keeps us growing stronger.. right?

im sitting here.. doing nothing, on a regular basis, because my full time job is giving me part time hours and my energy to do something with my boredom seems so far fetched. so much is happening and yet i feel like im standing still. stuck in a time warp. i blink and i feel like its been years but its not even been a minute. im so tired.. my entire future is changing and i feel lost and abandoned by my own self. searching for who i was before my life became a mess of mistakes.. too bad my memories only start when i was old enough to make mistakes.

i feel like im in a constant state of being judged.. and now.. there is no way i can get out of that.. ever. im comparing myself to the other relationships i admire or relationship i dont so much admire, but it seems they all got it right.. how is it possible to find the perfect man, yet still mess it up?

find a hobby.. thats the advice i've been told about marriage.. find a hobby.

with two people who so much like to be individuals.. are stubborn and competitive.. but love eachother... im afraid of what marriage will do to me... what becoming a mother will do to me.

ps i miss you.. thats all it takes for me to forget everything i just wrote and was feeling.

im way over my head.

every little thing i dreamed that i could ever be just slips away like water through my hands.

sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.

life is a box of chocolates, you never know what your gunna get.

when life gets you down, know what you gotta do? just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..

no body knows the troubles i've seen, nooo body knows my sorrows..

I want the truth!
you cant handle the truth!

may be true, but i would still appreciate not have a mental break down everytime i see my parents and have to be re-introduced to their truths about eachother... to realize that all my childhood was a lie. tell me the truth i may have hated you then when you did.. but isnt that better than me hating you now, after you didnt...

so many questions, so many lies.. when a liar tells you the truth.. can you believe him?
no trust.

pretty awesome feeling im having right now.
with so many goals, so much commitment.. and actually starting to follow through.. its pretty awesome! starting a series on prayer.. what better way to start? memorizing verses.. getting over an addiction, putting priorities first.. organizing financing's... organizing my life!.. its so much but i've never been more excited and ready for this. its an awesome time! a beautiful time. how awesome is god??

a sick day.. feeling like im always an inconvience to the people around me... feeling like i need to punish myself for something i did.. i have no idea what i did.. but im punishing myself for it anyways.
im a little jealous.. a little worried.. that you have a need for your parents approval... for them to know how work was.. is more important than for me to know how your day at work was... im definitely jealous.

If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God

what a rough start.
from being soo excited, and planning it all out..
to not wanting to talk about it and asking myself if i even really want too..
having james scare me.
me thinking life would be so much easier, and less drama if we werent.
then asking for peace and opening up my bible and finding it right there.. highlighted in my eyes and heart. the lord is with me.. crazy as i am.. he loves me and he will never leave. i asked to be challenged.. i was, and he was there.. with me till the end..
i may have failed miserably, but at the end.. im still not alone.
peace. finds you when you ask for it.
hope is in the light at dawn and in the stars at dusk.
love, love never leaves. through dismisses and ignorance.. love stays with you.

am i going to turn into a stepford wife? am i going to have to sit down with my husband at some mid life crisis therapy and rediscover myself, because at the moment i said i do, i decided to become the perfect wife, instead of my husbands best friend...
i've been watching wayyy too much Six Feet Under lately.

im sitting on a couch, my eyes going in and out of focus, and i cant feel my legs, i dont know if i can move them. my brain is on double time, then it stops.. and there;s nothing. no noise from the people upstairs, all thoughts are blocked. its silent.
my heart is still pumping, but MY heart seems to be breaking... my emotions are going to far from my head.. i cant stop myself from crying any more...

new opportunities!

so exciting! the chef at my restuarant wants me to come up with some pasta recipes to try out for the restuarant! big news!!! lol so excited! anyone want to invite me over so i can try out some recipes?!
plus the landlord i first met.. the cool laid back hippie.. well shes back! lol apparently she was just really stressed with having four new people move in at once.. makes sense.. well im just happy that she's chilled out now.
im counting down to sat. finally get to see my hubby. lol yea for rhyming!
well work is getting busier at lunch! yea! two days of dead restaurant service sucks! but today we got at least a steady hit for an hour over lunch.. it made me happy.

and money is no longer a worry on my mind now that rent has gone through.. i have a month to pay off christmas debt.. then back to normal life of buying food, paying off student loans and living pay check to pay check. lol love my life!

mm. life goes on. staff party.. what an interesting event. i once again remember why i stopped going to these events. too much drinking.. wayyyy too much drama. only if james comes with me will i ever attend another staff party. they were designed for the single people... im not single, and soo happy that im taken!
beyond that, im glad i have a friend like johnny d, who saves me from awkward moments and then takes me out for breakfast the next day to let me unwind from the nights events.
then i look to the lord and realize how amazing he is. my one worry thats always on my mind, is that james is going to leave me.. its a stupid fear that i need to deal with, but god smiled at me and gave me a little reminder of the love he has for me.
and i looked back and realized.. trust.. is hard for me, but if im ever going to trust james fully, i need to tell him everything about me. everything. i need this relationship to go farther than any other.. and telling people my past.. i dont do that. so the next step in our life.. is knowing everything there is to know about eachother=trust.
im excited. nervous but excited.

my landlord and i are not getting along. so many things she "told" me before, but i have no recollection of ever reading or hearing. my room is cold. not freezing but really cold, i have three windows that open up to outside. and let in a draft. the rest of the house is decent.. but apparently im not allowed to have a space heater without permission. she's putting it in my lease. all her talk about giving me space heaters before.. apparently all bullshit. ugh.. i hope winter is short, and warm. and i find another place i guess next winter. ugh.. lol already thinking about moving and i just got here. oh well.
well im off to my very first staff party with bauer. im actually nervous. i dont really do staff parties... but im poor and free food is free food.

a new day, a new time, a new place a new.

today was good. my room looks a little bit more homey.. livable. work was slow which was actually kinda nice... too much pressure.. not sure how i wouldve handled that.
well im feeling a little less pathetic today. reality set it, and i realized that twice a month.. i can do that. its more than what i had in the summer... i can do it.
today does not feel like saturday. it feels like a monday. like a new week has started. but its just ending.
its going to be my first sunday in awhile that im not going to church. having a car would be really handy right now.
oh well, what better time to bugger down on my devotions than right now.

moving.. always hard for me. im just feeling a little overwhelmed, and not at home yet... how long till i can call a place home? well its the new year and we brought it in with lots of fun memories.. and some i dont remember doing.. well im alive today and im thankful.
alot on my mind now that james is working crazy hours for the next four months.. i feel lonely already just knowing its starting today.
well, happy new years to all! i hope everyone had an amazing night.