cry

in my life, crying has never gotten me anywhere. i see it as a weakness. a lack of self control over my emotions, which i let run wild growing up. i see crying as a weakness in others. i am not an unemotional person. but i find crying only necessary in certain circumstances- death or sorrow of one you love. crying for myself makes me feel self important. crying for others because they are crying i also find a weakness, sadness does not always need to be tied with tears.
since i was young i hated when my mom cried, mostly because i found that was all she did in tough situations, and it solved nothing.
i watched the last samurai tonight, and i let tears fall with no shame. I let myself cry while watching war movies, because honour and sacrifice by selfless people is no small thing. to die for what they believe to be right is so far gone in todays society, that not even sacrifice for what is believed by one is ever seen.
I wish and long for honour. in my mind i cannot think of a better reward than being thought of as honourable. my family line is far from honourable. adulterers, drunks, abusers.. that is my family line. I cry for the honour of men and women who deserve it because of their choices and firm beliefs.
i do not cry at funerals. i do not cry at family disasters. some tease me to be completely unemotional. i see it as a strength. i have not been scared for anyone or thing lately so i do not know if i would cry. as for now, i only cry for the honour portrayed on the screen. stories of real men and women, with honour and strength.

the influences and judgements

in one moment i saw myself mature. i thought it impossible to see oneself mature, but i saw it. i went from little girl who takes the shit boys dish out to realizing how it really makes me feel- worthless, and i used my self will and pushed myself out of the realm of little girl, to lady who will act respectfully, polite but demand respect also. it was an amazingly liberating experience. i feel too young to learn this.. and yet i've always acted older than my age, i was forced too.. now the forcing is on my own doing, and it feels soo good. i may not be bullet proof of the experiences i know i will go through, but at least i have my first sifter when accepting dates.. and not only for the guys, for me too.. how to act.. it was really a scary moment but an amazing aftermath.

i had love story by taylor swift in my head all day. its just too cute, to not love.. the shivers every girl gets when she listens to it.. whether she admits it or not. walking home in the cold dark kinda scary street of toronto i live on.. i sang the chorus outloud to myself, and smiled shivered and giggled.. music can make or take the happiness of your days passing. amazing.

a stepford date

looking on my past and present relationship i have realized that as much as i love companionship, my relationships with people is timed. whether a boyfriend that i know i will dump in the next month or week, a lover that i know is leaving, or friends that i spend a max time of a day or two together before we separate for an undisclosed amount of time. why is it that every relationship is like a ticking bomb, that will explode if we spend too much time together. i am horrible at keeping connections. my best of friends are the people who i dont have to worry about the fact i havent talked to them for months or even a year and yet when i see them its like we were never apart. is it weird? unnatural? am i more messed up than i at first thought?

i have always wondered if i could be the marrying type. i like companionship. but living with a man that i love (which i am completely unaware of the meaning) for the rest of my life.!! ah!
and how will it happen?? where will we meet? will i be horribly depressed if i never meet him? i have always said i didnt care whether i get married or not.. i wonder if those are my true feelings.. everyone says to marry your best friend, but i dont talk to my best friends for weeks on end.. i dont think thats the best advice for me. with all the literature out there about meeting your mister right, no wonder women are so messed up.. instead of being yourself, you're being a text book woman.. a stepford date of the year two thousand and whatever of the book having been published. it's really bizarre.

the first snow

i had forgotten that i love the winter. walking around today, freezing cold hands, red cheeks, taking a deep breath of cold air as the wind sings right through my heart and puts a smile on my face. i was giddy and refreshed.

nothing is like a walk through a city, bustling with people in winter coats and scarves, dead leaves sweeping across the sidewalk, everyone scurrying into the nearest cafe for anything to warm their cold hands.

a winter wonderland. the first snow is cleansing. i can't wait.

before i said amen

have you ever danced in a room full of people?
have you ever danced by yourself in a room full of people?

have you ever felt like the music just wasnt playing?

feeling alone in a room of strangers isnt a weird thing.. the weird thing is why you are there in the first place.

why so different

why is it that a moon looks different when its between trees?

why does it not shine as brightly when surrounded by houses and electrical wires frame its glow?

a freedom of cold winds and red leaves brings the moon alive

a suffocation of cars and street lights keep the moon at a distance.

so close to the touch and warm in its glow yet so easily covered and shamed

it frowns at me and i smile, it smiles at me and i laugh, it winks at me and i feel like im the only one in the world...
then i remember...

everyone sees this same moon.. share it emily, let others know the beauty..
the moon is everyones... no matter where... its warmth reaches to their cheeks, whether its a cold breeze or a warm rain... even hidden, the moon is frowning, and smiling and winking, to you.

hot n cold

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Crypticly

I should know
That you're no good for me

{CHORUS}
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you)You don't really want to stay, no
(but you)But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

{CHORUS}

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride


You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Katy Perry


haha this is my new song.. thought i would share it