trying to clear the mind

trying to hear the silence
listening to music to hear the silence in between.

doesnt make sense does it?
how does music help me hear the silence...

why am i craving silence?
"and your raising the dead in me"

the mind creates silence..
because the world is never silent.

so those moments...
when words or sights...

make you stop.
think... silence.

hey love

Hey love Ive been thinking bout us
And this thing that weve got going
Its not your friends, its not my songs
What we have runs deeper

Hey love, come and talk to me
Tell me your dreams
I wanna know what picks you up, what makes you cry
Come open my mind

Thats fine we can sit a while
Or we can go dancing, dancing love
I dont care, as long as were
Together Ill be alright
Hey love

You should know that youre making me much better
You show me who I am inside
I know that this might sound crazy
But youve got me on a natural high

And Im never coming down
Im never coming down
Never coming down

Lets get old
Lets settle down
Well take drives in the country
Or stay at home and just fool around
Baby love it could be so nice
As long as were together

Thats fine we can sit a while
Or we can go dancing, dancing love
I dont care, as long as were
Together Ill be alright
Hey love

crazy, just crazy

ok! ... ok!
unbelievable.
it was one of those moments. it was almost like a break through in my life.
it was a realization of my biggest fears... i didnt think that i was still insecure. that im still afraid of being me because i think that those i love will leave if they know the real me.

it was a sad realization that i still have those insecurities. but it was an amazing release when the person i care for the most, didnt leave. to know that even we know so little about eachother, that i can share my deepest weaknesses and not be afraid.
its such a weird, amazing thing.
it was an amazing night.

blessings

its crazy when you find that someone that makes you smile, that their touch makes butterflies appear, and their eyes out shine the stars.
its even crazier when they understand you and still love you, after a visit to the rents.

i saw my mother this weekend, it was fun, we played a lot of scrabble. but we also had a lot of spiritual talks and talks about my family/siblings. i saw my oma, and we talked about my siblings, i saw my dad and step mom, and we talked about siblings.

is it really that hard to just let people be? to accept that we cant figure everyone out.. that not everyone fits a text book?
maybe im just tired of being in the middle. i dont know. i talked about joe alot this weekend too.. about how i stole my siblings child hood. and how thats affecting them now. being with my rents, makes me want to cry. so many memories that i wish i didnt have.
why is he being brought back up all of a sudden? i went years without hearing about him. then i see him once in four years, just in passing. and i tell no one in my family about the sighting. but now he's being brought up everywhere. i hate it.

i also discovered this weekend that i am a huge control freak. james quite honestly told me its because i grew up not trusting and having to take care of myself. so i need to be in control of my life and what happens in it. It makes perfect sense and i was already praying about it, when my mom brought it up and made it seem like i was ruining my life with this sin that has been passed on through the generations.
i also feel terrible because she thinks i tell her everything.. that i trust her...
again with my trust issues.

i want to thankyou james for listening, understanding and still loving me after my crazy stupid emotionally draining weekend.

fall season

a cool crisp day, cloudy yet bright. the wind gently turns your nose rosey and cold.
home made cookies, warm tea and wool socks.
fall is my favourite season. the colours, the smells, the crisp refreshing air.
good food and no pressure of gifts..
apple picking, pumpkin carving, roasted chestnuts sold on the street.

this is my inspiration time. experimenting with new ideas.. perfecting the old ones.
if money was not an issue.. i would be cooking and baking more than i listen to music or read my books.

and sitting beside lit candles instead of the glow from the tv or computer.

challenged

i need to feel challenged.
i love my new job, the atmosphere is fun and the people are great.
but i dont feel challenged. i've learned all the plates and im bored.
when i worked at auberge, i was challenged every day with speed, new recipes, responsibilities, pre plating, and every night there was a crazy rush. if i dont feel challenged at work.. am i going to be bored forever?
i've picked up a couple catering gigs.. im pretty excited for them. i get to challenge myself. put myself on a time limit, a budget.
but im worried. is this really my calling? im only twenty and im already bored with my current job.
i want a career that challenges me every day. that makes me sweat, get nervous.. conquer at the end of every day.

my boyfriend says i need a hobby. i remember at the end of my toronto life, thats all i wanted.. to do something that makes me smile, laugh.. something else i love to do either than cook. what happened to that? why am i so dissatisfied? is it living in a new place.. still getting a handle on the new surroundings?

i feel lost. i feel that i lost who i am, and what i love somewhere in saskatchewan.
when i returned i wanted to set goals. i dont even know where i would begin to find goals now.

is it so hard to support me?
am i that unpredictable.. that unorganized?
that child still?

is it wrong to ask for support...
encouragement..
prayer.