ready to gamble

its been too many weeks of doing nothing. i arrived back from France with hopes of new adventures, new jobs and a new and exciting future ahead of me. after four weeks, im still not working, i have had very minimal adventures, and my future is looking as dull as toronto pavement.
with my family moving on, my friends far away, and nothing to do but watch sex and the city or go shopping, im tired of my life.

i want to change it. but in order to start working i need to get forms, that i cant get until next week.
my life it seems is being put on a perpetual hold, of waiting for someone else.

last night i was told that all women who work in a kitchen are crazy, and that i can be the biggest bitch, i was literally bashed to the core of my strength by my brother, and then later i was put on hold by a man i dont even know.
Im tired. Im lonely, and all i really want is to laugh. but real laughing. i've been doing a lot of the fake laughing, to the point i dont really remember wat its like to really laugh. The laugh that hurts your stomach and still makes you giggle days later.

why is life so filled with people who put you on hold? and is it wrong that i let them? is it something that i should just accept? but im tired of being put on hold. im tired of letting men think that they can put me on hold and then use me when its right for them. this man im on hold for lives on the otherside of the country and still he manages to think im stealing his space. is it possible? is it wrong to think that if two people like eachother its natural to talk to them at least once a day, even just to say hi? am i being too neady? i watch people around me and i wonder how they made it? am i really the bitch who is going to swear men off except for a good time? is companionship a thing of the past or a thing of the future? and how is it that in new york of canada aka toronto, that im sitting in my room all day avoiding the last days of sunshine and getting lost in some made up life on my computer screen.