no tv. no movies.. well i failed. but i definitely have not been watching as much. im back to learning new songs on the guitar and i've been baking my butt off.
i have.. i think.. pretty much everything for peru. i still need prescriptions, travellers medical insurance. but otherwise im set! yea!! its soo close! my life changing travels are beginning! its a marathon starting April 27~ heehee

to a world that is filled with adds and tv shows and million dollar sessions on fixing yourself, it amazing to find that nothing ever gets fixed because nothing is ever told. everything will remain the same until what is really going on in a persons life is confronted out loud. my family dynamics will never change because we are too busy trying to keep peace within our lies to be able to say the truth to create real peace.

im tired of going back to square one. im tired of these walls that i have. im tired of having to build them back up. im tired of lying to keep the peace and im tired of the picture perfect appearance.
im tired of pretending its ok. im exhausted.
im tired of going from one parent to the other for different reasons but none telling the truth too.
im tired of getting hurt, im tired of seeing my loves getting hurt.

im tired of trying to heal a sore that just wont heal. time and time and more time. im just tired.
im tired of finding my true self. then having to push it back to build the walls to protect my tired and weak heart.
im tired of being strong. and most of all im tired of feeling so tired.. again.

my story

everything can be taken away, the only thing you own is your story. I try to make mine as interesting as possible.

so today started out terribly. i got home last night around 3am. slept until the phone startled me awake at 11. i got up and showered last nights grossness off and went to check my bank statment.. seems like my old landlords are cashing checks left right and center. money i dont have. they are not listening to me and i cant do anything about. im more broke than ever and i didnt know what to do. i emailed my landlords. called the bank to make sure there was nothing i could do. it was pretty much useless. my mom drove me crazy with her laughing at me look.

so after calming down a little i decided to read my bible.. im getting better at that.. anyways i turned to two random pages. and both were stories or examples of what i needed to hear. ask for guidance from the lord, and look at these men with great faith. they trusted in the lord to guide them to what they could not see, and they died with faith even though the promise to them they were not alive to see.

faith in the lord emily. i cant see the future but he has it all planned out. faith. and ask for guidance in the lord when i just dont know what to do.

the power of prayer

last night at small groups, niki shared a story about the modern day miracles.. but for me it was about the power of prayer.
it didnt seem like a big thing to me at the time but its been constantly on my mind this week. Deb, my peru team leader, said that she did not know of any people praying for her.. it shocked my mom to hear this. i didnt really think of it as that important. But this week i really feel that Deb needs our prayers. she is one really amazing woman. to be able to organize the mission, to deal with all 12 of us, money is always an issue. I think its amazing how strong she is, but to not have a group of people praying for her.. its almost wrong. i forget the exact quote but its something like behind all great men, there is a group of people praying for them. something like that.
its on my heart that this week we pray for Deb. for her family. for her work. for her strength as things are getting to their dead lines. For her spiritual strength, for her health. just everything.

go for the walk.

hah! i knew it would snow one last time.. a farewell to the Canadian winter before spring can be full-time. dont curse it! go outside! lift your face to the skies and let the snow flakes land softly on your face. its the last time for another 6 months. feel the cold against your cheeks and breathe in deep. watch your breath as you exhale. love it! smiles and dance in the slight breeze. you have plenty of partners dancing around you. you are not alone today.

go for the walk.