change

i never thought i took change difficultly. i always am excited for new experiences. but looking back i realize i am terrible with change. i freeze. unable to think, move, respond. i feel isolated and helpless. every big change takes me awhile to move into, and once i do im always happy. i wish i could say it was because i was thinking intensely about it, but its just me being a coward. hm. i have a lot of weaknesses in my life, and i thought i could label them all... maybe the reason i hate growing up is because i discover how deep my weakness go. how much they affect my life and those around me.

i am alone in this world. my family is spread apart and detached. unable to lovingly communicate with each other. i have never felt more alone since my brother has moved thousands of miles away. he is my blood, the only blood that i love more than anything in the world. what he does, what says, how he chooses to live.. makes me more proud than anything i could ever do for myself.
and i know steph that you are reading this, and i have definitely not forgotten you. you are my sister but right now, i feel more estranged from you than i ever have. you have your own family. you are more happy than i have ever seen you when you are with them. and that makes me so happy because i love you so much. but i am hurt and sad that me and alex never gave you that joy growing up. you have your own family, and its hard for me to see it, im jealous, im sad, im happy... i suck with change. i can act like the strongest person in the world.. and sometimes my acting fools even me for awhile.. but now im alone, with parents i can't talk too and dont really like visiting, no brother to laugh with about it. everything is on me.. i suck with change.