you have me believin i dont always have to be alone

this christmas has been the most stressful holiday i have ever been through. it started with a funeral, to a grandmother i never really knew. i went to be a support to my step mother. i told her i was happy to be there for her. i wonder if that was true. im finding it really hard to love the adults in my family. with my brother leaving, my sister so far away, im feeling more alone then ever. Over christmas some events took place that i have never been more afraid to admit or more ashamed to admit. i wonder how in the world i could have let something like that happen. how if anyone found out, i would be outcasted, and i wouldnt blame anyone for doing it. my life is so full of things i regret. i have a friend who said that life should be about new opportunities, not the regrets of the past. i wish i was able to do that. at 19 i have done so many things in my life i wish i hadnt. i have never believed in generational sin.. now im not so sure. my actions over christmas were the strongest reflection of my family's past, that it scared me.
with everyone moving on, including me, im scared for my future, and yet have never been more excited. i never thought that my brother leaving would be so hard. not even once.. i was just overly excited for my brother to go and travel.. for him to do the things he loves. now im looking at my life wondering if i will do the things i love to do. being in toronto has changed who i am. and now that im done school, i want to do the things i love to do again. play guitar.. sing, go for long walks, start working out. but my enthusiasm to do all that is in writing.. and thats as far as i fear it is going to go. life is so exhausting sometimes.