my bubble

so my bubble is broken!! i have a room mate! boo! i got soo used to living by myself.. this sucks. im not even sure how to act now. lol can i still sit in the living room?do i have to.. i dunno... do something different now.. i cannot wait to live by myself. this is so depressing. i was hoping he would be gone alot, but he said he is staying for good now. boo.. this is me crying. now i have to hide in my own place where i live now.
or i could be social.. ya.. no thanks.. i hate people. lol.

the world i live in

i am all about not seeing what is infront of me. i like to look beyond what is walking by me and look into the air and see the birds, the reflection of trees in the tall glass buildings and the wind sweeping up the beautiful people hustling by. i know that there are homeless, abused and abusers on every corner, and i feel for them. i loved volunteering to help them. but my world. my own personal space.. its not reality. its reality on steroids- making some things larger then they should be and some smaller than they ought to be. i always say i dont judge. i judge, and worst of all i judge at face value and sometimes don't even give that person a chance. men, in my life... they dont really even get a chance. i have never really given them a chance to prove themselves different. at face value, i see guys as asses, or in some cases pieces of ass. i know its vulgar and sooo not right, but i do. i watch shows on tv where men cheat, sleep around and very few are steady in any relationship. then i look at my life and the men i know, cheat, sleep around and are not very steady in relationships. i started watching MAD MEN which is a show i usually enjoy, but tonight.. no.. not tonight. i am sick of seeing men make stupid decisions based souly on their carrot and potatoes (that would be my cooking ref. today)
it never bothered me before.. or not enough to make me stop watching tv. lol
i am lucky to see some of the most beautiful women grow up, make decisions good or bad, learn from them and become the most elegantly gentile and gorgeous women. the one thing that ruins us all, is unfaithfulness in the one we love most. why is it that women can give they're whole selves and men still dont get it?

wow.. ok.. my vent is over. i hate men. lol they make things so much worse yet so much better.

paint

i dont know what it is about classical things. classical dress, classical music, classical design.
it plays with emotions in my heart. the music relaxes and yet energizes me. giving me inspiration to do better things, see everything and not let anything stop me. it plays the strings to my creative heart and i finally let the sound echo into my mind. the notes make me want to paint the most beautiful sunset, each key inspiring me to see a sunrise. i close my eyes, and i feel the cool wind hug around me, in the dark i imagine being alone, wandering through my enchanted forest. rays of light streaming down like rain. my soundtrack to life, is this. violins in the wind, cello in the trees, piano in the grass and birds in the air.

change

i never thought i took change difficultly. i always am excited for new experiences. but looking back i realize i am terrible with change. i freeze. unable to think, move, respond. i feel isolated and helpless. every big change takes me awhile to move into, and once i do im always happy. i wish i could say it was because i was thinking intensely about it, but its just me being a coward. hm. i have a lot of weaknesses in my life, and i thought i could label them all... maybe the reason i hate growing up is because i discover how deep my weakness go. how much they affect my life and those around me.

i am alone in this world. my family is spread apart and detached. unable to lovingly communicate with each other. i have never felt more alone since my brother has moved thousands of miles away. he is my blood, the only blood that i love more than anything in the world. what he does, what says, how he chooses to live.. makes me more proud than anything i could ever do for myself.
and i know steph that you are reading this, and i have definitely not forgotten you. you are my sister but right now, i feel more estranged from you than i ever have. you have your own family. you are more happy than i have ever seen you when you are with them. and that makes me so happy because i love you so much. but i am hurt and sad that me and alex never gave you that joy growing up. you have your own family, and its hard for me to see it, im jealous, im sad, im happy... i suck with change. i can act like the strongest person in the world.. and sometimes my acting fools even me for awhile.. but now im alone, with parents i can't talk too and dont really like visiting, no brother to laugh with about it. everything is on me.. i suck with change.

you have me believin i dont always have to be alone

this christmas has been the most stressful holiday i have ever been through. it started with a funeral, to a grandmother i never really knew. i went to be a support to my step mother. i told her i was happy to be there for her. i wonder if that was true. im finding it really hard to love the adults in my family. with my brother leaving, my sister so far away, im feeling more alone then ever. Over christmas some events took place that i have never been more afraid to admit or more ashamed to admit. i wonder how in the world i could have let something like that happen. how if anyone found out, i would be outcasted, and i wouldnt blame anyone for doing it. my life is so full of things i regret. i have a friend who said that life should be about new opportunities, not the regrets of the past. i wish i was able to do that. at 19 i have done so many things in my life i wish i hadnt. i have never believed in generational sin.. now im not so sure. my actions over christmas were the strongest reflection of my family's past, that it scared me.
with everyone moving on, including me, im scared for my future, and yet have never been more excited. i never thought that my brother leaving would be so hard. not even once.. i was just overly excited for my brother to go and travel.. for him to do the things he loves. now im looking at my life wondering if i will do the things i love to do. being in toronto has changed who i am. and now that im done school, i want to do the things i love to do again. play guitar.. sing, go for long walks, start working out. but my enthusiasm to do all that is in writing.. and thats as far as i fear it is going to go. life is so exhausting sometimes.

cry

in my life, crying has never gotten me anywhere. i see it as a weakness. a lack of self control over my emotions, which i let run wild growing up. i see crying as a weakness in others. i am not an unemotional person. but i find crying only necessary in certain circumstances- death or sorrow of one you love. crying for myself makes me feel self important. crying for others because they are crying i also find a weakness, sadness does not always need to be tied with tears.
since i was young i hated when my mom cried, mostly because i found that was all she did in tough situations, and it solved nothing.
i watched the last samurai tonight, and i let tears fall with no shame. I let myself cry while watching war movies, because honour and sacrifice by selfless people is no small thing. to die for what they believe to be right is so far gone in todays society, that not even sacrifice for what is believed by one is ever seen.
I wish and long for honour. in my mind i cannot think of a better reward than being thought of as honourable. my family line is far from honourable. adulterers, drunks, abusers.. that is my family line. I cry for the honour of men and women who deserve it because of their choices and firm beliefs.
i do not cry at funerals. i do not cry at family disasters. some tease me to be completely unemotional. i see it as a strength. i have not been scared for anyone or thing lately so i do not know if i would cry. as for now, i only cry for the honour portrayed on the screen. stories of real men and women, with honour and strength.

the influences and judgements

in one moment i saw myself mature. i thought it impossible to see oneself mature, but i saw it. i went from little girl who takes the shit boys dish out to realizing how it really makes me feel- worthless, and i used my self will and pushed myself out of the realm of little girl, to lady who will act respectfully, polite but demand respect also. it was an amazingly liberating experience. i feel too young to learn this.. and yet i've always acted older than my age, i was forced too.. now the forcing is on my own doing, and it feels soo good. i may not be bullet proof of the experiences i know i will go through, but at least i have my first sifter when accepting dates.. and not only for the guys, for me too.. how to act.. it was really a scary moment but an amazing aftermath.

i had love story by taylor swift in my head all day. its just too cute, to not love.. the shivers every girl gets when she listens to it.. whether she admits it or not. walking home in the cold dark kinda scary street of toronto i live on.. i sang the chorus outloud to myself, and smiled shivered and giggled.. music can make or take the happiness of your days passing. amazing.