how the summer begins, is nothing like how it is going to end. when does it end? im really feeling at home here in saskatchewan. i've met the locals, met the people that come up just for the summer.. and i love them. i love it here. i dont know what to do.. i have my life in ontario, but there are no jobs there.. i cant go back and live off my parents. i would go crazy. there are jobs here. and i like it here. i dont know what to do. i cant expect anyone to wait for me that long.. this depression we are going through is only going to get worse and i need to just get some backing.. i hate thinking about my future..

trust. never thought i would be the one making it a hard thing. i know that i dont trust easily.. and i only trust a select few in my life.. but i never thought i could be the untrustworthy one. it cuts me to even think it. i find a person that i love, fly thousands of miles away for 4 months, and if thats not a test enough, i get drunk with random guys. nothing happens i just get drunk. and i hate that i make him worry about me. i hate that he stays up, unable to sleep because he's stressed that im not safe or doing something i shouldnt be.
change. its not making myself be someone different. its deciding that this person is worth cutting back on doing things that make him uncomfortable.
aahh.. i cant even put my thoughts out now.. this is terrible. i wish i could just fly home to his arms and never let him go. im so sorry for making you worry. i hate that i am doing that to him. thats just.. its not cool.

the third day. its kinda boring.. lol. my time off is every morning until 3.. there's not much to do. its too cold to be outside chilling or reading.. so im sitting in the pub writing emails and checking facebook. i dont think i will ever want a day off. the kitchen is easy and slow right now.. i have two weeks to write down the stats as i go, because then im on my own.. the other guy put in this two weeks notice yesterday. makes me sad, he's really cool and i get along with him the best. but its just summer job and im sure when it gets busy i'll be fine. i might go for a run.. im realy bored.
i got moved to the hill. its a shack in the middle of no where. haha but its heated.. cant drink the water and have to walk a distance to the washroom but its heated.. its one step better than camp. lol.

yours truely.

so! my first sleep at Elk Ridge. it was good. restful. last night was my first shift and i am the only girl in the kitchen.. but there's only four of us... its very roomy. the menu isnt much to talk about..there's no elk, moose or specialty meats. they do some fish though.. which is good. auberge definitely trained me for any kitchen.. cuz compared to them everyone is really easy! i wish i had brought up some of my recipes from school in france, and from auberge.. show them some new things. i'll have to try by memory. lol. well, its not a growing in talent kitchen, its experience.
the boys are nothing to worry about here. kinda a relief. no cute sleezy boy hitting on me. its all good. i think i can handle this. drinking.. not really pressured.. i think i intimidate alot of them.. which i am completely fine with.
thanks for the prayers!

saskatoon

what a day. im so tired. emotionally, physically. but spiritually i want to keep growing.
today was a mess. a constant feeling that im going to be late, starting with the first flight. being the last one to board is always interesting. then, getting to saskatoon and meeting a stranger, then have to find a place to sleep because my ride isnt until tomorrow. sleeping at a strangers house.. hearing stories about my work that im not too excited to start enduring.
i love meeting new people, but today, i just wanted to be in the arms of my boyfriend. held by the familiar scent and the strong arms of the person i love, and who loves me. i realized without even getting to the resort, that this summer is going to be a challenge. im a cook. cooks drink. we party, work, party work. thats our lives. and as much as i loved it, i wish it were different. i dont want a new sex partner every night. i dont want to get drunk every night. i dont want to deny my love for christ. to put it out there as something smaller than it is.
but im afraid thats what it is going to become. i'll role back into my old ways. im terrified. i have one fellow christian with me but it seems that she's been livin it up rough too. i hope that we can keep eachother in check. i need prayer. tons. i know that God sent me here to challenge my strength. my self control. i know i will make it through this summer. but how strong i come out of it.. thats another thing.
i just need alot of prayer.

yours truely

yours truely

a moment that is staying in my mind. "i pray for your presence Lord, where ever I go"
that is the way to put it. there's trust in that sentence. there's just no better way to put it. she didnt pray for wisdom or strength.. because she knows. the lords presence is a feeling that is overwhelming and beautiful and stronger than any other earthly presence.
dealing with my mother when talking about christianity is always interesting. she is what i would call a fanatic. she takes it just that step past the line. she has great faith, but to me, she puts christians in that category of crazy people. Marie turkstra prayed that prayer for me last night. she prayed for me not as a child but as an adult. she understood that i no longer stop at the sunday school answer.. i search for more. i feel thats a step my mom will never get too. part of our argument last night was that she wants me to treat her not just like a mother, but like a fellow adult. but it didnt seem to click in her mind that she is going to have to stop treating me as a child. And i know its easier for an outsider to do this, im just really looking forward to the day.

yours truely.

so today. wow.. emotional. i've been noticing that its just getting harder and harder to put on the smiley face around my mother. so many blow ups, too many fights.. i feel like its just a marathon to the next conflict. i love my mother. because she is my mother.. but as an adult.. there is almost nothing i would go to her for. this morning after hearing about the "talk" she and my sister had i did not want to see her. then this afternoon, we had our own little blow up. it drives me crazy how she conviently forgets all the times we have fun together, and is convinced that im always rude, snobish, and selfish.. those are words that cut me so deep and she throws them at me constantly. i dont like it they hurt me, because i know its not true, and she's just looking for cheap shots.. but it does hurt. im really excited to leave.. for this vacation to be over.
my boyfriend.. he's amazing. we're planning a little vacation when i get back from sask, and i love that he's planning it out. its still amazing to me that he loves me so much, to want to spend all that time with me. and i never realized how low my mother can make me feel..
he's planning a little surprise for me too.. haha within the couple of texts he sent me explaining to me what he has planned i was smiling like goofy and even danced in the starbucks to the temptations...
crazy that a few texts can brighten my day.