summer rain

i woke up early this morning. 7 am and ready to be outside. it was a refreshing walk to the pub for breakfast. gray skies and a cool breeze. i walked through the forest just to feel away from civilization. trees and moss and rotting logs, flowers and bushes and squirrels. it was a beautiful stroll through a world unseen by so many. i look outside now, past the reflections on the window and i see a forest untouched and unappreciated. nature surrounded by cars and boats and rv's. buildings that hide the forest entrance.
the rain that is riding the wind outside these walls is soft, and loving to the dry ground, beaten by human toys.
the earth is our play ground.... we dig, we build, we destroy and then leave. a cycle that is about to bring us back to our first mistake.
karma some say... the circle of life ... fate ... destiny ... our fall ...

inner peace

its amazing. knowing my future actually has given me peace. i hate thinking about my future.. alot. i like the unknown, but realizing that i am leaving elkridge.. im excited to be with the people i love again. to feel at home.. its exciting. i've had good and moments and bad times here, life at its best. but i feel alone. trying to make this place home is hard when i dont have a lot in common with anyone, and everyone else seems to have so much in common. i will come for a visit one day again, because this place is beautiful, but right now, im ready to leave this place at the end of the summer. i need stability and trust in my life. i have that at home. the friends here are the most bi polar people i have ever met. im excited to live with my sister in waterloo, a beautiful and peaceful city, to go on coffee dates and sit in a quiet pub listening to live music. i miss star bucks. lol.
its a beautiful day. perfect fall weather. cloudy and sunny, and a cold wind that refreshes my unwashed face. my tea refreshing and warm, the rays of sun blinking through the steam coming from my cup. its a perfect morning. now only if the afternoon continues in this way.

worthwhile

its just one of those days. yesterday i had a very relaxing and chill day. after work though was kareoke and i was planning on getting a little tipsy and having some fun, and i did but then my friend wanted to get smashed and i just wasnt feelin it.
i think i was just really enjoying the quiet life all day. even the kitchen was really quiet, not really any covers came in and i did my prep really slowly. there was no music on and it was just quiet. it was really nice. the weather was gorgeous, breezy and sunny.
the breeze has picked up today and its cloudy and cold, not really a shocking weather report considering its been a really cold summer.
ugh you know those days where just want to write something, but cant think of anything worth while to say?

so i had a little downer time a couple days ago. without wanting to sound conceited or something, all the guys here think im beautiful, and its been really hard for me to know how to handle it. i tried to ignore it, but then they went from saying it among themselves to telling me, all the time and i just smile but its really hard for me to have all that attention.. i dont really like it, yet its a confidence booster too. anyways, rumours here run as fast as highschool girls and i heard that someone was saying something about how i am sleeping around. and it really hurt. it got me pissed off, then upset and then the next morning, after waking up still upset about it, i got an email that just made me realize that, the rumour has no truth in it, so why should it matter what these people are saying. they are not my friends. awesome enough there was one girl in the circle where that person said it, that stuck up for me. im glad to know there are some people here who have morals and arent still in their highschool era. but as the summer goes on i realize that more and more rumours will start and fall through and try and hurt me, but it fades and i hope i can be there when someone tries to start one just to shut it down as fast as it came out.
as for right now, im sitting in the silence.. no music is what i mean, and no friends beside me. im listening to the wind in the trees outside my window. its so beautiful up here. i understand why people make fun of saskatchewan, but i can understand why no one would leave this place, to convince others of its beauty.

how the summer begins, is nothing like how it is going to end. when does it end? im really feeling at home here in saskatchewan. i've met the locals, met the people that come up just for the summer.. and i love them. i love it here. i dont know what to do.. i have my life in ontario, but there are no jobs there.. i cant go back and live off my parents. i would go crazy. there are jobs here. and i like it here. i dont know what to do. i cant expect anyone to wait for me that long.. this depression we are going through is only going to get worse and i need to just get some backing.. i hate thinking about my future..

trust. never thought i would be the one making it a hard thing. i know that i dont trust easily.. and i only trust a select few in my life.. but i never thought i could be the untrustworthy one. it cuts me to even think it. i find a person that i love, fly thousands of miles away for 4 months, and if thats not a test enough, i get drunk with random guys. nothing happens i just get drunk. and i hate that i make him worry about me. i hate that he stays up, unable to sleep because he's stressed that im not safe or doing something i shouldnt be.
change. its not making myself be someone different. its deciding that this person is worth cutting back on doing things that make him uncomfortable.
aahh.. i cant even put my thoughts out now.. this is terrible. i wish i could just fly home to his arms and never let him go. im so sorry for making you worry. i hate that i am doing that to him. thats just.. its not cool.

the third day. its kinda boring.. lol. my time off is every morning until 3.. there's not much to do. its too cold to be outside chilling or reading.. so im sitting in the pub writing emails and checking facebook. i dont think i will ever want a day off. the kitchen is easy and slow right now.. i have two weeks to write down the stats as i go, because then im on my own.. the other guy put in this two weeks notice yesterday. makes me sad, he's really cool and i get along with him the best. but its just summer job and im sure when it gets busy i'll be fine. i might go for a run.. im realy bored.
i got moved to the hill. its a shack in the middle of no where. haha but its heated.. cant drink the water and have to walk a distance to the washroom but its heated.. its one step better than camp. lol.

yours truely.