cry

in my life, crying has never gotten me anywhere. i see it as a weakness. a lack of self control over my emotions, which i let run wild growing up. i see crying as a weakness in others. i am not an unemotional person. but i find crying only necessary in certain circumstances- death or sorrow of one you love. crying for myself makes me feel self important. crying for others because they are crying i also find a weakness, sadness does not always need to be tied with tears.
since i was young i hated when my mom cried, mostly because i found that was all she did in tough situations, and it solved nothing.
i watched the last samurai tonight, and i let tears fall with no shame. I let myself cry while watching war movies, because honour and sacrifice by selfless people is no small thing. to die for what they believe to be right is so far gone in todays society, that not even sacrifice for what is believed by one is ever seen.
I wish and long for honour. in my mind i cannot think of a better reward than being thought of as honourable. my family line is far from honourable. adulterers, drunks, abusers.. that is my family line. I cry for the honour of men and women who deserve it because of their choices and firm beliefs.
i do not cry at funerals. i do not cry at family disasters. some tease me to be completely unemotional. i see it as a strength. i have not been scared for anyone or thing lately so i do not know if i would cry. as for now, i only cry for the honour portrayed on the screen. stories of real men and women, with honour and strength.

the influences and judgements

in one moment i saw myself mature. i thought it impossible to see oneself mature, but i saw it. i went from little girl who takes the shit boys dish out to realizing how it really makes me feel- worthless, and i used my self will and pushed myself out of the realm of little girl, to lady who will act respectfully, polite but demand respect also. it was an amazingly liberating experience. i feel too young to learn this.. and yet i've always acted older than my age, i was forced too.. now the forcing is on my own doing, and it feels soo good. i may not be bullet proof of the experiences i know i will go through, but at least i have my first sifter when accepting dates.. and not only for the guys, for me too.. how to act.. it was really a scary moment but an amazing aftermath.

i had love story by taylor swift in my head all day. its just too cute, to not love.. the shivers every girl gets when she listens to it.. whether she admits it or not. walking home in the cold dark kinda scary street of toronto i live on.. i sang the chorus outloud to myself, and smiled shivered and giggled.. music can make or take the happiness of your days passing. amazing.

a stepford date

looking on my past and present relationship i have realized that as much as i love companionship, my relationships with people is timed. whether a boyfriend that i know i will dump in the next month or week, a lover that i know is leaving, or friends that i spend a max time of a day or two together before we separate for an undisclosed amount of time. why is it that every relationship is like a ticking bomb, that will explode if we spend too much time together. i am horrible at keeping connections. my best of friends are the people who i dont have to worry about the fact i havent talked to them for months or even a year and yet when i see them its like we were never apart. is it weird? unnatural? am i more messed up than i at first thought?

i have always wondered if i could be the marrying type. i like companionship. but living with a man that i love (which i am completely unaware of the meaning) for the rest of my life.!! ah!
and how will it happen?? where will we meet? will i be horribly depressed if i never meet him? i have always said i didnt care whether i get married or not.. i wonder if those are my true feelings.. everyone says to marry your best friend, but i dont talk to my best friends for weeks on end.. i dont think thats the best advice for me. with all the literature out there about meeting your mister right, no wonder women are so messed up.. instead of being yourself, you're being a text book woman.. a stepford date of the year two thousand and whatever of the book having been published. it's really bizarre.

the first snow

i had forgotten that i love the winter. walking around today, freezing cold hands, red cheeks, taking a deep breath of cold air as the wind sings right through my heart and puts a smile on my face. i was giddy and refreshed.

nothing is like a walk through a city, bustling with people in winter coats and scarves, dead leaves sweeping across the sidewalk, everyone scurrying into the nearest cafe for anything to warm their cold hands.

a winter wonderland. the first snow is cleansing. i can't wait.

before i said amen

have you ever danced in a room full of people?
have you ever danced by yourself in a room full of people?

have you ever felt like the music just wasnt playing?

feeling alone in a room of strangers isnt a weird thing.. the weird thing is why you are there in the first place.

why so different

why is it that a moon looks different when its between trees?

why does it not shine as brightly when surrounded by houses and electrical wires frame its glow?

a freedom of cold winds and red leaves brings the moon alive

a suffocation of cars and street lights keep the moon at a distance.

so close to the touch and warm in its glow yet so easily covered and shamed

it frowns at me and i smile, it smiles at me and i laugh, it winks at me and i feel like im the only one in the world...
then i remember...

everyone sees this same moon.. share it emily, let others know the beauty..
the moon is everyones... no matter where... its warmth reaches to their cheeks, whether its a cold breeze or a warm rain... even hidden, the moon is frowning, and smiling and winking, to you.

hot n cold

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Crypticly

I should know
That you're no good for me

{CHORUS}
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you)You don't really want to stay, no
(but you)But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

{CHORUS}

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride


You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Katy Perry


haha this is my new song.. thought i would share it

giggling emily

its our godforsaken right to be loved, loved, loved

so today im feeling much less moody, im sitting hear listening to jason mraz on youtube and its amazing how the music you listen too and watch effects your mood.

i watched a video and laughed... the laugh i so sorely needed to laugh yesterday.

i needed to do things that make me smile. i needed to remember what i used to do when i wasnt working full time and in school full time. a time when i had time to be me.

this morning i cleaned and listened to music blaring in my ears and i love doing that. call me weird but listening to music while using your hands to do something productive! its my happy time.
i love rhythm in my life. i needed rhythm to set me on the pace to get things done.

heehee

ready to gamble

its been too many weeks of doing nothing. i arrived back from France with hopes of new adventures, new jobs and a new and exciting future ahead of me. after four weeks, im still not working, i have had very minimal adventures, and my future is looking as dull as toronto pavement.
with my family moving on, my friends far away, and nothing to do but watch sex and the city or go shopping, im tired of my life.

i want to change it. but in order to start working i need to get forms, that i cant get until next week.
my life it seems is being put on a perpetual hold, of waiting for someone else.

last night i was told that all women who work in a kitchen are crazy, and that i can be the biggest bitch, i was literally bashed to the core of my strength by my brother, and then later i was put on hold by a man i dont even know.
Im tired. Im lonely, and all i really want is to laugh. but real laughing. i've been doing a lot of the fake laughing, to the point i dont really remember wat its like to really laugh. The laugh that hurts your stomach and still makes you giggle days later.

why is life so filled with people who put you on hold? and is it wrong that i let them? is it something that i should just accept? but im tired of being put on hold. im tired of letting men think that they can put me on hold and then use me when its right for them. this man im on hold for lives on the otherside of the country and still he manages to think im stealing his space. is it possible? is it wrong to think that if two people like eachother its natural to talk to them at least once a day, even just to say hi? am i being too neady? i watch people around me and i wonder how they made it? am i really the bitch who is going to swear men off except for a good time? is companionship a thing of the past or a thing of the future? and how is it that in new york of canada aka toronto, that im sitting in my room all day avoiding the last days of sunshine and getting lost in some made up life on my computer screen.

je reste au lit

the roads are red brick
but my feet are skimming the surface of black stone

beside the bench is a tree swaying romantically in the wind
the tree is caged in tiny white lights yet still it moves to the rhythm in the sun

the walls surrounding are red brick
accented with green doors and frames of windows

the street lights breaks the openness of this small place
black iron, with a dull light floating out in the bright of day

small birds glide into the tree
bouncing from brick to brick

small white tables
the aroma of coffee whispers its way to the bench

a girl sitting with her feet just above the black pebbles
writing in tiny note book, staring into the world she sees

everythings gunna be alright

uh oh.

The trials of growing up. Plopped down in the middle of a cage of glass and cement and expected to find the tree.
This tree surrounded by the floor of waste, of laziness and of ignorance
still stands. Its lush green leaves are small and tainted. Its trunk is just skin and bone.
told to survive with no air.
it still stands.
seasons change but this tree can't tell the weather change.
it stays the same. with no chance to shimmer with colour in the fall sun.
without a chance the tree is stripped of leaves and left to bear the cold city winter.
This is a long time of rest.
this is a long time.
The tree feels warmer. its surprised at the little warmth it drags from the cold spring sun.
This tree is starting over. A new chance to spread from its cement and glass cage.
It reaches high. It reaches wide.
But not too wide, or too high.
the cement is not forgiving. It shall not break its boundaries.

my summer?

I'm exhausted.
I haven't been thinking in my romantic view of life in a long time.
I don't walk down the streets of toronto and actually look around.
My mind is exhausted with thoughts of school, France, work, moving, money.
My body is feeling jet lagged. Sleep.. there's never enough time.

i'm too tired to enjoy life. i need to organize myself. I need to prioritize my life.. my thoughts.. my future.

is this a career I can handle? i'm thinking about next semester and i'm overwhelmed.
I have never enjoyed thinking about my future but it seems to be the only thing i can think about.

I am lost in the confusion of the word love. or even like. or just time to find a friend.

Tv is consuming me. i can't stand the silence. i need noise. i need to be buzzed out.

I'm losing who i am.. or am i discovering who i am going to be?

a work-a-holic with no time to sleep, socialize or enjoy the silence of the city.

i need a holiday. i need to be in nature.

i want inner peace. relaxation.

a little light.. a little darkness

wasting time. wasting your mind.
no inspiration.
its gorgeous outside
at the computer i only know the things it tells me.
i'm sitting inside.

another slip. another date.
too much time.
just here. waiting.
fingers move across the key board.
i write my own thoughts.. don't i?

freedom. speech!
a voice in the dark...
hiding in the light.
you don't know me. i don't know me.

hope. harmony.
it begins with H.
understanding and reason
starts with nothing.
scratches.

the longest hall.. the brightest corridor.
warm bright colours
an antique world.
muted blues- lovely.

flowers.

street lamp in the tree

i was walking down... i forget which street but i noticed a beautiful sight. this tree was old.. big.. strong with large branches and full of leaves. it is a beautiful tree. but what caught my eye wasn't the coarse bark and lushes green leaves. there was a street lamp high into the massive coverings of this gorgeous tree. it was like a spot light. it was beautiful. i wish i could better describe it.
in this city of toronto.. beauty is in the eyes of the onlooker. it could be the ugliest city or the most beautiful. i am a romantic. .. i am a dreamer... i imagine or find beauty in this world... because i choose the world i live in. and i choose to live in beauty. i choose to live in harmony.. between trees and street lights. between flowers and sidewalks. between towering buildings and potted plants. between traffic and candle light bistros - all are the beauties of toronto.

in a world of foggy sights

i dont get my family. i dont get my life.
i was finally returning to my normal state of being completely happy with my life or at least satisfied when in a simple step up a stair, i feel like i have no direction. everything is jumbled and uncertain. i had an amazing visit with my dad on monday. we kept a conversation going from when he picked me up to the next morning when he drove me to my mothers. it was incredible. we didnt talk about personal stuff obvi, but we shared our similarities and interests and it was awesome! i saw my mom and we also had a really good time! talked about issues that didnt make us start yelling at eachother, but we're really good to discuss. saw the canada day fire works.. it was good. got back to toronto this morning happy, excited for school and work.. than i hear one little sentence that i'm not even positive was said.. although i have a witness so to speak and i'm lost. who knew that "i broke up with my girlfriend" could destroy me. i talked about how i was excited to find love that i was ready to experience the hurt because that was just a small piece of the puzzle.. but my heart was crushed... it was doomed from the beginning which seems to be my lot in life, he had a girlfriend, and he chose her. but now he's single.. and just as i was putting him in the friend zone... i'm yanked back into the uncertainty, the pain of remembering the most horrible phone call of my life.. and i'm afraid. i'm terrified! i don't want to experience that again.. i could fall so quickly back into his arms.. but i'm soo scared.
my mom and i shyly went over comments we've been told in our lives.. girls with no dads are sluts.. single parent children will never make it in life...
i'm in a career that i LOVE and i'm only 18! i may not be the purest of girls, but i have dignity, i know my boundaries and standards.
am i failing because of fear? no, i've conquered so much in my life... can i ever just be tired of having to conquer? ha some how i dont think thats how life works...
so wat do you do when faced with wat could turn out to be love? ha you run...

the sound of cars and sirens and all things good

alot of people dont like the city. can't stand the constant noise.
they prefer the country. birds chirping instead of cars honking.
or they would be suberbia. where the trees and cement mix together.

i was walking down a street in toronto one day and i just stopped. has anyone noticed how incredibly weird it is that there are trees in the cement side walk? i have yet to see a full grown tree in a side walk.. so i wonder wat happens to them? toronto is a weird city.

a young tree.. a young city.
little new york city.. center of the universe?

wide open spaces

can a girl be a romantic?
i've often been told that i live my life like a musical.. mostly because i'm always singing.. and lately always just twirling in the sun.. the wind.. the rain.. why not? i'm a dreamer and i love it. but i'm a romantic and i dont want to hold back when a feeling comes over me. if its beautiful outside i'm going to giggle.. i'm going to laugh outloud.. i'm going to twirl and enjoy life as it comes. in this world i think that everyone worries way too much about how they are percepted. too silly.. too girly.. too serious.. not fun enough. the world is always judging.. so i've decided that i may still care.. but not enough to shut out my want to lie in the grass, giggle and close my eyes in the sun, stare up at the clouds, sing to the music in my head. the world is filled with beauty that we ignore.

how does the saying go? sing like no one can hear you, dance like no one can see you..
its wise words! take them seriously. i laugh alot.. not gunna lie about that! if i can giggle i'm going too! some people may think i can't be serious, and i almost like that.. but if they kno me well enough they know that i care deeply about everyone.. who they are, wat they are feeling, the stresses of life.. i want to kno everything!

But my advice might be changing..

dance because you know people can see you!
sing to the musical in your head, so that you can share the joy your feeling
girls- TWIRL! its awesome how it makes you feel. stop caring about wat people will think when they see you.. and realize that if it makes you giggle.. its worth it!

living in the city.. skip down the street.. smile at the sun.. stop and let your hair be whipped by the wind.
look up! see the beauty of the clouds. God has given us so many things to make us smile! so smile! giggle! be a romantic!

i was in montreal and one day we were out in the country. it was my idea of a perfect day. it was warm, sunny a few clouds and extremely windy. i layed down in a feild and the wind swept over me. i listened to the music of the earth. the grass played a song so beautiful it could make anyone cry. the trees swung into the chorus and everything was so harmonious. the sky moved with perfect grace. the sun was gentle and bold. i was in my bliss.
i twirled in the wind. i picked flowers.. i was in my own beautiful world. it was the perfect day.

the wind in the trees and birds in the sky

wow.. its my week off but this is my first day of just doing... not nothing.. but not something.
i'm in waterloo visiting my sister and the weather has been gorgeous! i woke up this morning and could hear birds chirping and sunshine was filling the room so brightly. its been a long time since i've experienced that. i miss it. for sure i miss it. i love toronto to no end but my place is hiding the world from my senses.

the thing about big cities is that you dont have time to enjoy your surroundings. even when you go out for dinner.. your rushed. i'm remembering that in the beginning of the year i blogged that i was sitting in downtown business center of toronto watching the world shuffle by and i noticed a bird. totally unaware of the crazy city lives rushing from job to job, coffee to street car and grocery store to bed. life is work. i hated when i realized this. i'm a dreamer and realizing that my days of sitting outside listening to worlds beautiful sounds... its over. i want to cry.

but now i'm realizing its not over. i just need to put myself in a situation where i can enjoy them. where i can just sit.. not worrying about money, not worrying about being late for work or school... not worrying.. just sitting.

i do go out and have fun with friends.. but its not the same. i need my escape.. my escape from my crazy life. i need to find my center peace.. haha ya i need yoga (that should so be a commercial!)

i'm sitting in tim hortons on UW campus and looking out the window i can see trees, i can see waters, i see grass and paths. i woke up stressed that i wasnt stressed. i'm rediiscovering wat its like to not be stressed. i look at my dad and see how stressed he always is.. i didnt get it, why doesnt he just take a break.. i just realized that once you work this hard (and its only been two weeks for me) we dont understand or are uncapable of not being stressed.. we get stressed about that fact we're not stressed. its a backward world this career thing.

just remember Gods blessings.. experience the freedom of the wind in the trees and the birds in the sky.

22 hour work weekend

well! the real world is fun. after an 11 hour shift my first night... getting home at 2 in the morning, and then starting work again at 9, and just getting home now, (midnight), and even though i would love to chop off my feet and wash the espresso out of my system, i had an awesome day. i love my job! its hard work, but the people are awesome and makes the day go by much faster. for some reason today was much better than yesterday. i could not wait to get home yesterday! but today was a good day from the first espresso ;)

i realize i must have led on when i said in my last blog that i didnt kno the truth.. well the truth is i still dont, but at least i'm beginning to have the courage to ask my family about my family! and as much as i would love to just sit down my mom and dad and straight out ask them TOGETHER how they split and why so no lies would be told and the truth i would hope! would come out. but i kno that wont happen so the only person i have never asked for their version of wat happened is my dad. and i think for me to be able to get completely healed of my past, i need some straight answers from him.

anyways, my first weekend at work was awesome!!!

the first day of the real world

i start my job today!! and even though i've worked there before, i'm nervous as hell! its a weird feeling to make your own money and to support yourself. i'm not sure i want too, but i know i have to. i'm excited for this new step in my life.. haha to have money... but soo scared!

i'm working in a kitchen, the behind the scenes of the beautiful candle light dinners. and at first i thought i was going to miss seeing the beautiful exterior of the restaurant but i realized that i love the people in the back. they're funny. they're hard working.. a little.. ok a lot perverted.. but its fun.

well, i was also really touched to see that others read my blog. i realize i dont really write as much anymore.. the hardships of having cable for the first time.. lol. but i miss these small insights into people i love.
i've been thinking alot about my family lately. how angry i was that i didnt know the truth about my family. soo much i didnt even kno!
hm.. well my thoughts are scattered right now, and i need to get ready for work.
i will write again.. soon

life... and its ironies

so last i read my sisters blog and was flabergasted to find that we are feeling all the same emotions. As everyone pretty much knows i have never been in love. I told everyone i dont believe in love and was pretty happy being an anti commitment teenager surrounded by teen love that never lasted. and now having no previous experience of wat true love is, or wat commitment is for that matter, i find myself surrounded by and all alone in this area of love. I admire my friends who have been committed to their specials for years. and sometimes i wish i had that. i long for some one to care about wat i did while i was gone, for someone to care about the bitch i ran into at the store, or the funny conversation i heard while i was walking home from the street car. anything. but i come home to a basement, with no food a tv and stress.
recently i fell for a guy. and its a weird experience. not because i have never fell for a guy before, but because except for one thing, we have everything in common! our likes, dislikes, music, movies, food, partying, everything! everyday i'm with him i discover another thing we have in common.
i have never ever ever had that. ever. and i'm at a total loss at how to handle it. is it just evil comedy to have a guy in my life who i think is perfect for me and not be able to finally commit to a relationship.

i wondered while i was in highschool if the reason i wasnt all for commitment was because i had never witnessed a real relationship and so wasn't sure wat it was. now surrounded by relationships that have lasted and others that i kno will last i don't have even the slightest opportunity to share that commitment. i'm jealous of it. soo jealous of it. i have been afraid of love because i kno that it brings hurt and heart ache, but now i realize that hurt and heart ache is only a small part of it. that love and commitment is the biggest part of it. and i want that! haha emily bogdan, no commitment i'll get married maybe girl wants love. haha even as i'm writing it, i kno its true and its just too real. i never thought those words would come out. i'm growing up! my life living at home with uncommitted and broken homes is leaving me. i'm discovering a world of real love, heart ache and amazing memories!

well, enough of my pathetic first timer love issues.
to my the only one i kno that reads this.. i love you steph

ya Jazz!

i love jazz.. alot of people just cant follow it so they dont enjoy it, but really, it has a beat underlying all the crazy solo's. i'm listening to Oscar Peterson + sonny stitt, its so cheery.
i wanted something up beat but not in my face to listen too and i found this. its perfect. it gave me energy to get up, i waltzed around my room with my coffee, put away my laundry, organized and cleaned my room. i have aspirations to clean the rest of the apartment tonight, so that if my mom does come tomorrow she won't be disgusted. today has started out wonderful! i called my mom last night to tell her my agenda for montreal. she's been really amazing lately. with all my finance problems, and everything that i'm learning in school, she's been excited with me. its been alot of fun hanging out with her lately. playing games, laughing. i mean we always have a talk that leaves one of us crying, but i think thats just the way it works. this week has been awesome! and its bound to get better, I'M LEAVING SUNDAY FOR MONTREAL! i'll be there a week and i'm so pumped! i'm staying in a 4star hotel for a week! and i'm learning at an amazing french culinary school, and going to so many amazing places!
sometimes life is exactly like jazz...
you feel lost, with no beat to follow. but underlying all the crazy off-beat solo's, your beat is strong and keeping you align.

haha well that was poetic note of the day.

basking in the moon light

take a walk.

its beautiful outside.

there is no sun, but i want you to bask in the light.

there is no warmth in the air, but i want you soak in the breeze.

there is but a spot light in the sky. and its not shinning on you.

enjoy it! love it! be alone with it! just be...

there is no laughter on the wind, but i want you to smile.

there is no music, but i want you to dance to your hearts beat.

i want you to be you.

you may feel lonely, but feel filled with the presence of you.

your thoughts may turn to the day, but stop. look to the night sky. look to the shadows of the new leaves on the trees of spring.

do not look at all. close your eyes. see the darkness.

do not hear. do not hear, and do not listen.
sing to your own musical. play the soundtrack to your life right now.

play it on the wisps of pollen swirling around you in this cold windy dark night.

find the romance.

find the peace.

find you.

cuz its all about you

this is a story about a girl. i wonder how many movies have that line in them? haha anyways, my weekend has been an interesting one. I slept over at liz's friday. On Saturday, we decided to go for a bike ride through the trails along the escarpment. It was harsh, i havent been on a bike in ages and my legs felt like rubber for awhile, it was like riding a horse for the first time in a long time. haha i rediscovered muscles in my legs. it was alot of fun though, we saw half a dozen dear, i finally found out where that bridge that crosses the highway goes to, and i peed in the bushes! haha i haven't done that since camp. we biked into the woods found this pretty awesome field that was completely mud. i had alot of fun, scrapes and sprained ankles altogether! it was beautiful outside so liz and i walked to Tim Hortons came back and sat outside on the bench till it was time for her to go work. we had a really good talk. she was saying that when she was in Romania she realized how fortunate she was to have her parents. i told her how her parent basically raised me too, considering they taught me everything i know about children and how to talk/take care of them, they taught me to be responsible, face my fears and to live out my faith. They encouraged me in my singing, which i never really got in my own family. they were the first and only family to support my decision in going to chef school right from the beginning- which has meant more to me than anything.
As liz plainly pointed out, my childhood was screwed over from the beginning and she is happy that her parents raised me. we talked about what i might have turned out as if i hadn't met them, or if my parent hadn't gotten divorced or if certain things hadn't happened when i was little. But with all considered, my circumstances growing up are what made me, me. and i wouldn't want to change that. Sure i still have people to forgive and holes in my heart to fill, and let my black heart be open to love, but forgiveness does not take two seconds. many people tell me i just need to forgive and why haven't i done that yet? life will be so much easier when I've done that. well, believe me! i know all the steps i need to take, I've been hearing nothing else since i was 6! but i need time, i can't just do it. you say why not, and i ask you. have you ever been through what i have?! i know the steps to "freedom" i just need time to face them and do them. I've forgiven the people, but forgiveness is not as simple in this case. i have to keep forgiving every time I'm reminded of something they did or didn't do, and so i need time to forgive them for those things. and maybe i have forgiven some people, but if i was face to face with them, i would have nothing to say to them.. and thats not a bad thing!

well that was basically our conversation. it was pretty amazing. i haven't talked about that stuff in a long time, and there was really no other person i would want to talk about that with that her. This missions trip she went on has reminded me that sometimes when your serving others, your healing your own heart in being a servant.

eggs and bacon

good morning!

so i' back in ancaster visiting my bestest friend who is back from Romania. A- i was able to sleep in today! yea!!! and B- i woke up to the beautiful smell of eggs and bacon! yea! lol

the weather outside is quite frightful but inside the light is warm and i am very comfortable.
i dont have any romantic poetic things to say right now.. the sports update in on the tv and i cant really put my mornings events into some nice lines.

i'm yours

well you done done me and you bet i felt it
i tried to get you but you're so hot that i melted
i fell right through the cracks
and i'm trying to get back
before the cool done run out
i'll be giving it my bestest
nothin's going to stop me but devine intervention
i reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait, i'm yours

well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love
listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
ah la peaceful melody
its your godforsaken right to be loved love loved love love

so i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait i'm sure
theres no need to complicate
our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

i been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
and bendin over backwards just to try to see it clearer
my breath fogged up the glass
so i drew a new face and laughed
i guess what i'm sayin is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
its what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait i'm sure
theres no need to complicate
our time is short

jason mraz

wake up little suzie wake up

birds chirping. in the winter the best thing to wake up to is the smell of hot food being prepared for breakfast. the rest of the seasons, its birds saying good morning right outside your window. i didn't think i would ever get the chance to hear them in my new place, but this morning was glorious. they were awake, and ready to talk so that i could hear them. the most beautiful conversation i have ever eves-dropped on. i can still hear them now. i cannot wait for the mornings when its warm enough that my window will be open and i can sit outside and drink my cup of coffee listening to the beauty of Toronto. you know what? i think i belong in Europe. i need the history, the beauty, the casualty in my life. i want to sit in the middle of the city, and be surrounded by all of it. Toronto is great, but its new, it has very little character. i can imagine my heart away, but its not the romance of Europe. than again, i've never actually been. so how could i know? the birds have moved on from my window, and i cannot hear them anymore. which is all well, because i really should go get my first cup of coffee. the world moves on and maybe i would just like to be surrounded by the beauty of the past. the wonder of living in a world less complicated than my own. ha isn't that everyones dream.

in love

alright, so i kno so many people have told me to listen to jason miraz.. bu i never had.. until this morning.. and i'm in love! its like a mix of jack johnson and john mayor! with a little micheal buble.. OMG! amazing!

so its 9 20. i've had my cup of coffee, cleaned the kitchen, organized my room, continued doing my laundry from last night, and yet... i'm just sitting here. i've been sitting here for 20min.
i woke up at 6 per usual, stared at the picture of my sister and I that i have on the wall (didnt think about anything just stared) then got up made coffee, watched some music vidoes on the tv while i stretched and did a little pilates. then drank my coffee, killed a humungus (if anyone knows how to spell that please do share!) spider, cleaned the guts of the centipede i killed yesterday on the counter (i'm telling you, its just creatures with more than four legs that creep me out. ps, i realized i have a huge fear of lobsters). i dont know but i wish i just had motivation to do something! anything.. i need to go out and be alive in the world. i feel like i have closed myself in. i havent been exploring my new area, i've been down the street (walking) once! i havent gone grocery shopping since last week sunday! two weeks basically. how long have i been here for? i dont even remember! time has no record for me anymore. the only time i seem to care about concerns money and food that i'm cooking for a chef. is this wat my life is going to be for the rest of my life? i need a hobby.. but why does it seem that all hobbies cost money?! I HATE MONEY! but i need it..

alright, so that was all the thoughts going through my mind this morning that i wouldnt actually let myself listen too.

until i post again.

the sleep in mode

so, it is now 7 15. i just got up and started the coffee maker but my body is in a twist. my mind is very awake. but my body is still asleep. waking up at 6 as usual i was trying to sleep in until 7 but every minute felt like 10 and my sleep was a ticking bomb. my body was on edge, to make sure i didn't over sleep and now after that excitement its even more exhausted. its a weird thing how the body is separate from the mind. i thought i wasn't supposed to have that realization until i was 50 with the mind of a 20year old.
anyways, its a new day, to be filled with new adventures (all in French of course).
well my coffee should be ready now, so auvoir!

coffee of the day

well, its 6am.
that in itself can tell more then my own artist words can. through my small window i can see just a slight slit of beautiful bright blue sky. my room mate has just left so i feel free to wander the quite halls of my home in peace. the coffee is on its way.
i would say my love addiction to coffee is one of pureness. i do not drink coffee for the caffeine, although as time has gone by it seems my body rests on that need. but in my heart, my spirit my mind, i drink coffee for the beautiful aroma that hits my face it the cloud of steam that sifts into the air as I pour my first cup. Its the creamy cafe sense of peace that draws me to sit in silence as i sip my first cup. my imagination places coffee in a world of chaos, with dead lines and fees but me just sitting. ignoring the rushing of people. ignoring the world of then and now and later. me and coffee is pure in thought. it is pure of the world. its just me sitting, listening to the world that no one cares for. its me seeing the beauty that everyone is in but never sees. coffee is my time to see the world in my own eyes.
now who could want to seperate me from that!?

getting comfortable

well, i'm all moved in to my new place. i'm sitting here watching tv, i've wondered about my new neighborhood a little bit today since it was nice out. i live in china ville. lol but its nice, my street is very homey i must say. cute homes, quite people, and trees! lol plus no traffic. its a cute little ghetto.
well, i start school tomarrow. i went through my french language testing.. haha that was fun. i new how to say my name and that was pretty much it. no need to say i'll be starting in the beginners class. I have orientation tomarrow, from 7:30 to 5. its going to be a long day but i'm just so over excited that i'm taking this course.
o, so i have a cat. well its not really mine, its my landlords, but it comes and visits me. its a gorgeous orange really lanky cat. i love it! i really needed to have a pet with me and now i have one that i dont even have to really worry about. lol i love it!
so everything in toronto is working out. i'm a little lonely i can't deny, but when school starts i'm sure i'll be so busy i won't notice. hopefully.
my best friend is in romania and so i'm completely alone it that way too. i know she's only gone for two weeks, but its nice to have some conversation with a person i love in a new surrounding.

moving on

so i'm sitting waiting for the time to move in to my new place.. listening to music i dont know and feeling excited yet depressed at the same time. something about moving on to a new place, new situation.. its stressful, and somewhat overwhelming. i remember my first move.. i sat surrounded by all my stuff and i couldnt move. it was too weird. i didnt want to leave but i really really wanted to leave. a new chapter is beginning in my life and i'm scared. my best friend is going to romania for two weeks and she's so scared and i am super excited for her but its all so scary moving on, into different comfort zones. growing up.. haha i hate it! and yet i'm so exited. why does everything inside me go against eachother?

well i have to eat and get ready to move.. wish me luck!

ahhh

AAAAHHHHHH

home for a little while

so I'm back in Ancaster... it's very weird.. even as i was driving here i felt like i was being pushed into a small space- i never thought that my childhood place would one day make me feel claustrophobic. From alot of students i've heard that they miss the feeling of having a home, that every place they move into is just another place.. its not home to them. Is feeling at home really that important? I've only lived one year out of my mothers place but i have never felt like i needed that feeling.. or maybe it is that i made my apartment so comfortable that it was like home? a center place in a persons life. is it really that important to stay in one place? does everyone deep inside them look for a place that they feel the most comfortable.. or maybe enjoy the most.. what is home? just a place that you feel comfortable in? if thats the case then that should be where you're living at that time. maybe not feeling at home is just the persons unwillingness to let go of their childhood home and move on to make their own.

the window is open

so its almost ten, and my window is still open.
there's a cool breeze entering my room, but the noise of outside distractions, and the crisp fresh air in my room begs for a camp fire, stars and friends sitting around talking and laughing, sharing our deep thoughts and sharing the unimportant things that make a friendship complete.
i'm staying in toronto for the summer, but i kno that many weekends will be spent away from the city and in nature.

i'm remembering spending a cold weekend with my friend amy up at her cottage. it was on the lake and we had the best times looking at the water, listening to the animal calls, staring at the stars, wondering deeply into the flames of the camp fire and climbing to the highest peek in on the lake shore.

something about height, about silence, about wind.

i'm glad the winter is over, and spring is coming home. the silence of wind.. there is none like it. because with all the trees rustling, the waves rushing and whistling of natures return call.. life itself is silent.

what you know about

my new favourite song!:

What'cha you about freedom?
what'cha know about me?
have you seen the sunrise?
i heard it can set you free.

sometimes your life can crumble
sometimes your life might make you stumble
but you can't drown in your sorrow
cuz you might be found tomorrow.

what'cha know about love?
you said our love would be
you said you were my girl friend
some girl you turned out to be.

sometimes your life can crumble
sometimes your life might make you stumble
but you can't drown in your sorrow
cuz you might be found tomorrow

what'cha know about freedom?
what'cha know about me?
have you seen the sunrise?
i heard it can set you free.

sometimes your life can crumble
sometimes you life can make you stumble
but you can't drown in your sorrow
cuz you might be found, you might be found tomorrow

Donovan Frankenreiter

a smile for the day

at 2 this morning my phone went off, and without reading it i knew it was from my sister.
this morning when i did read it, i smiled so big! my sister is safe, and happy and on her way to Peru! with an uncomfortable layover in the airport they're off again at 8 to finish the traveling there part. GOD BLESS

sad

MY SISTERS GONE! i miss her already and its only been 5 hours since she took off!

the summer melodies

so, now that its supposed to be 10 degrees and higher this week, i have started listening to my favourite patio artist. JACK JOHNSON
his music is fun, sensitive and Caribbean ish.. you just cant go wrong!! "wisdoms in the trees not the glass windows" just brilliant!
thats from the song Breakdown. talking about we pass life without stopping and looking around, without making memories and meeting different people with the hopes of being friends.
i'm not really in the share my soul mood right now, but, it is a good topic. and my next post will definitely carry it on.

sunday mornings

its another Sunday, another day of rest.
the wind is strongly thrashing around the tree outside my window
its whipped movements almost look like the tree is excited that the spring winds are here
the sun on its bark is giving a soft glow to its body as it dances in its rays.
and when the wind dies i feel as if it is sad... it wants to play for longer in this game of spring.

yesterday i went for a walk around Toronto to bask in as much sunlight as possible. it wasn't really warm but in the sun i was toasty. after 3 hours of walking around, we decided that our faces were frozen into place and it was time to head home.
i think that spring in the city is much more enjoyable than in the country. I usually hate spring, its wet, the world is still blah. but in the city there's not much colour anyways, so spring is just sunlight! its beautiful and everyone in Toronto wants to be basking it in. and they are.

my sister is being blessed off by her church. she's going on a missions trip this week to peru. i miss her already. its going to be a long time before i see her again.
i wish her safety over all things.
i wish her love for the country, love for the children she meets,
love for the people she works with
and that all this love comes through Christ, her back bone cross that keeps her strongly pressing forward into the unknown and into knowing.
i love you with all my heart.

with love, forever.

a new day, a new stress, a new adventure.
A new time limit to the day,
a new stress to a new day
and the unsuspecting new adventure that makes every day worth getting out of bed for.

i have two interviews today, one for my future home and the other for my future schooling.
if there's anything i hate talking about its my future. with so many uncertainties i find it very stressful. i like to be in the moment all the time if i can, but everyone wants to know your future and not having an idea is more stressful than having an incomplete one. So with my incomplete and unsure future i move forward.

bababbaba bah bah bah bah bah

i think the string instruments are the most beautiful sounds in the morning classical music.

after an amazing sleep, almost all of my first coffee of the day down

a couple of yoga stretches and no sign of daylight outside, i have time to reflect on the day just passed and the just ahead.

yesterday was so amazing outside, the sunrise was beautiful, the temperature was springing into everyones step and everyone was walking! i walked home in the sun, smiling and enjoying the people out and about, opened my window in my room and enjoyed the fresh air for a while.

i was about to start talking about today, but i have decided against it. the troubles of today are too near to start talking about early.

i've turned up my music and try to get lost in the emotions of classical sound.

the beginning of a new day, a new time- a new start?

"everyday is like a new slate- clean with no mistakes on it... yet" i think thats from Anne of Green Gables*

starting my morning off with classical music and yoga. trying to relax my thoughts, my mind-body and soul. uniting myself with calming music and soothing breathing- slow concentrated and even.

the sun is rising, a pale blue sky is reflected on the buildings bringing a fresh glow into my room.

the clock bounces from 7 08 to 7 09 and above.

i stare out my window and think that there is a little yellow reflecting among the blue.

hope

hope for a beautiful new day

hope

it is fading already with thoughts of my day ahead

the clean slate is smudged with thoughts.

the smooth surface seems rough and rocky for today.

maybe hope for tomarrow...

to the hearts all over the world tonight

its amazing the things that come out to different people. some people have two faces.. i have a million. i can be so many different emily's for different people. is it weird that i feel that i fit all these different faces?
i'm i confused, lost and unsure of myself. i thought so for awhile and it was hard. trying to find out who you really are when every different face is soo you. why do i have to be only one person? who am i the most comfortable being? i'm comfortable with whoever or whatever face i am, depending on who i am with. it just sounds so wrong but thats really how it is. i guess that makes me a people pleaser doesnt it? i guess i am. i've always had to be. with my family deciding im the person to complain about everyone else to, i've had to be so many different faces. i'm not angry about that, it happened and i became very educated about my amazingly dysfunctional family, thats nothing to get angry about. at times i just wanted to hear silence from all lips in my family, but than again, either they all trust me, or i'm the only one who puts up with their gossip.
i think that and my childhood experiences have taught me all my different faces. of course though all my faces break down if im mad into one angry face. that one is always the same.

but it seems that people respect those most who are themselves.. those who dont have different faces to different people.
but after growing with all these different faces, its really hard to just be one, especially when you cant pick just one. i remember that year of trying to figure out my one true face, and it was hell. i felt guilty when i did something outside this one face. so why cant i just accept that i am all these faces and i just know what to talk about and share with some people and what not to share with others? is that wrong? should i just always be and say everything to everyone no matter?

like i love to party, and i love the city, but i also love playing board games and going for walks in the woods. when i'm with my city friends who hate trees and fresh air, i just dont talk about it with them. they wont care so why waste that time?
on more personal level, i dont go around telling all my friends that i have a gay brother who i hate and dont talk to. i find that alot of people dont want to hear about the mess ups in life... not unless they can laugh at it. so maybe these different faces arent faces at all.. i just choose to show them one part of me at a time. maybe..

the classical era

so about two.. three days ago, i downloaded the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack.. well what i could find of it. the music is all classical songs, some a little bit cheery but most sombre. i love it, i walk to school listening to it and especially this morning, it is so beautiful to walk to. its like a personal sound track to your own life movie. how many people do you see walking down a side walk on a busy toronto street at 7 in the morning.. smiling. well i did this morning. it was beautiful outside. my lack of sleep for the past two days doesnt make me uber tired or at least i dont think about it when i'm having a really good morning soundtrack to start off my day.

alot of people have told me to listen to worship music in the morning, and i did for awhile but it was just music. normal music. in the morning words are words and i dont listen to them. i dont listen to myself think in the morning, how could i listen to someone else think?
so i listen to classical, and its so beautiful. i suggest it to those early risers. early counts as something before 7am. its an amazing mood setter.

i was taking the subway a couple mornings ago and i was listening to my classical music on my ipod loud.. to drown out the sound of the subway, and i received numerous looks and smiles. one lady actually moved to sit beside me. classical music may be old school to some people, but no one can deny that it can play in everyones heart.

i wish i could attach music to this blog.
Beethoven andante in F major. look it up, its beautiful

alone? lonely? HECK NO!

just in response to my favourite sisters comment, i am not lonely. and right now i have never felt so perfectly ok to be without a guy in my life. family (brother and sister) and friends are filling my relationship wants.
alone and lonely? thats a sad life. i may be single or alone but i am in no way lonely. of course i have my times of complete loneliness and i have no idea why that comes, but my life is not lonely.

besides that fact, i just finished my first restaurant experience!!! yea! sure it was the school restaurant, but i had an amazing time! i was chef today! so basically i helped the people in the shits, and set up plates, made sure everyone had the ingredients they needed. it was pretty slack, but the end plating was awesome and everything minus the mystery soup tasted fabulous!

im all sweaty and gross and walked home in the dark with creepy homeless men making cat calls.. luckily my ipod DOES turn up louder.. lol

sex and the city addiction

so after three days of coming home from school, watching sex and the city and then starting homework at an insanely awful hour, seems to resonate a single thought. to boyfriend or not to boyfriend? haha, yes, I'm trying to be carrie bradshaw for a post. but seriously being in a very long phase of no commitment just fun, no pain just easy attention takes its toll. Romance is something that i love, i love it in movies, i love it books, i love it music! i see it everything, i may hate PDA, but in every situation i happen to be in, i find myself thinking of romantic atmospheres. I'm not necessarily picturing a man in my romantic scene but i do view everything (at times) in a romantic light. i wonder if i'm the only one? does every girls romantic scenes involve a guy? is it weird that mine dont? at the beginning of Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth is walking in a field reading a book as the sunrises. to me that would be the most romantic setting and i cannot wait to experience it. Sure romance with a guy is just if not more beautiful, but thinking that that's all there is in a romantic life? Being in the big city i thought i would get tired of it and sure, i love to escape to my sister's country farm house every once in a while, but the city this morning walking to school was so beautiful. the crisp air, chilling wind and the sun slowly coming up to the left of me, its my favourite walk of the day. My best view of the city used to be coming into it on the highway at sunset. the sun reflecting in the buildings is so beautiful, but sunrise in the middle of down town Toronto; staring up at the sky framed by buildings is surprisingly freeing. Dundas Square when it's snowing ... you couldn't pick a more breath taking spot for a single dreamer like me. I love the country, anyone could tell you that. and i knew i would also love the city, I may get tired of it and take a break in the country, which luckily isn't too much of an obstacle for me, but the city has a charm that the country cant grasp.
Ever feeling alone and in need of company of a guy, is usually the time i decide to go out of the city and a good dose of fresh air, trees and land.. always cures me. The end scene of Pride and Prejudice is also my fantasy. that kind of romance is so pure that i want to believe that one day it will happen to me, but the reality that every other person in this world is trudging through my young mind, is that, that is a movie, and only a movie. true romance does not exist, and eventually you either marry someone that makes you laugh, or you dont marry at all and you join the prestigious elites that roam most of the city, and believe that life is what it is, romance is not life, its words that can't support.
Romance: a definition is required...

fall in droplets

so I'm just sitting here, listening to Colbie Calliat and reading my sisters blogs and it seems loneliness is a topic that everyone is trying to figure out. in the song paint it golden you hear a thunderstorm in the background and to me that would be a good lonely. i love watching and listening to thunderstorms and rain alone. being alone with natural beauty is not lonely to me, although at times the rain does not seem so romantic to me and i feel more lonely than ever in the rain. loneliness is an odd emotion. It tears me down so far into a depression but because i firmly believe that crying solves nothing there seems to be no hope of alleviating my loneliness. Even praying seems to me so hopeless. "and the world it seems so far away, and I'm just waiting to fall in droplets". to feel like disappearing... is that low self-esteem? sometimes i like to run away from the crowd and find a corner in the middle of no-where, and i wonder if anyone will come looking for me, but if and when they do, i always just want someone to sit with me. not try and figure out what I'm feeling, just sit beside me and be in their own thoughts. why is it that everyone wants words to fill the silence. maybe that's why i like thunderstorms.. the silence is so precious between thunder, but the rain is never silent. the constant noise that everyone tries to achieve in life. am i afraid of silence? silence in my life? is silence automatically paired with loneliness? the go-go life seems to be the way of the 21st century. loneliness is man kinds greatest fear? maybe not.. maybe we like noise so that we dont have to think about all the emotions we are feeling? i love listening to music constantly if i can.. or i will sing constantly.. but i know when i need silence to figure out my thoughts...

a prayer

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His spirit in you inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do immensely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."
~Ephesians 3:14-21

His purpose

"For He Himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in Himself one new man out the two, this making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which He put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through Him we both have access to the Father by one spirit."
- Ephesians 2:14-18