how the summer begins, is nothing like how it is going to end. when does it end? im really feeling at home here in saskatchewan. i've met the locals, met the people that come up just for the summer.. and i love them. i love it here. i dont know what to do.. i have my life in ontario, but there are no jobs there.. i cant go back and live off my parents. i would go crazy. there are jobs here. and i like it here. i dont know what to do. i cant expect anyone to wait for me that long.. this depression we are going through is only going to get worse and i need to just get some backing.. i hate thinking about my future..

trust. never thought i would be the one making it a hard thing. i know that i dont trust easily.. and i only trust a select few in my life.. but i never thought i could be the untrustworthy one. it cuts me to even think it. i find a person that i love, fly thousands of miles away for 4 months, and if thats not a test enough, i get drunk with random guys. nothing happens i just get drunk. and i hate that i make him worry about me. i hate that he stays up, unable to sleep because he's stressed that im not safe or doing something i shouldnt be.
change. its not making myself be someone different. its deciding that this person is worth cutting back on doing things that make him uncomfortable.
aahh.. i cant even put my thoughts out now.. this is terrible. i wish i could just fly home to his arms and never let him go. im so sorry for making you worry. i hate that i am doing that to him. thats just.. its not cool.