If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father's house, then the LORD will be my God

what a rough start.
from being soo excited, and planning it all out..
to not wanting to talk about it and asking myself if i even really want too..
having james scare me.
me thinking life would be so much easier, and less drama if we werent.
then asking for peace and opening up my bible and finding it right there.. highlighted in my eyes and heart. the lord is with me.. crazy as i am.. he loves me and he will never leave. i asked to be challenged.. i was, and he was there.. with me till the end..
i may have failed miserably, but at the end.. im still not alone.
peace. finds you when you ask for it.
hope is in the light at dawn and in the stars at dusk.
love, love never leaves. through dismisses and ignorance.. love stays with you.

am i going to turn into a stepford wife? am i going to have to sit down with my husband at some mid life crisis therapy and rediscover myself, because at the moment i said i do, i decided to become the perfect wife, instead of my husbands best friend...
i've been watching wayyy too much Six Feet Under lately.

im sitting on a couch, my eyes going in and out of focus, and i cant feel my legs, i dont know if i can move them. my brain is on double time, then it stops.. and there;s nothing. no noise from the people upstairs, all thoughts are blocked. its silent.
my heart is still pumping, but MY heart seems to be breaking... my emotions are going to far from my head.. i cant stop myself from crying any more...

new opportunities!

so exciting! the chef at my restuarant wants me to come up with some pasta recipes to try out for the restuarant! big news!!! lol so excited! anyone want to invite me over so i can try out some recipes?!
plus the landlord i first met.. the cool laid back hippie.. well shes back! lol apparently she was just really stressed with having four new people move in at once.. makes sense.. well im just happy that she's chilled out now.
im counting down to sat. finally get to see my hubby. lol yea for rhyming!
well work is getting busier at lunch! yea! two days of dead restaurant service sucks! but today we got at least a steady hit for an hour over lunch.. it made me happy.

and money is no longer a worry on my mind now that rent has gone through.. i have a month to pay off christmas debt.. then back to normal life of buying food, paying off student loans and living pay check to pay check. lol love my life!

mm. life goes on. staff party.. what an interesting event. i once again remember why i stopped going to these events. too much drinking.. wayyyy too much drama. only if james comes with me will i ever attend another staff party. they were designed for the single people... im not single, and soo happy that im taken!
beyond that, im glad i have a friend like johnny d, who saves me from awkward moments and then takes me out for breakfast the next day to let me unwind from the nights events.
then i look to the lord and realize how amazing he is. my one worry thats always on my mind, is that james is going to leave me.. its a stupid fear that i need to deal with, but god smiled at me and gave me a little reminder of the love he has for me.
and i looked back and realized.. trust.. is hard for me, but if im ever going to trust james fully, i need to tell him everything about me. everything. i need this relationship to go farther than any other.. and telling people my past.. i dont do that. so the next step in our life.. is knowing everything there is to know about eachother=trust.
im excited. nervous but excited.

my landlord and i are not getting along. so many things she "told" me before, but i have no recollection of ever reading or hearing. my room is cold. not freezing but really cold, i have three windows that open up to outside. and let in a draft. the rest of the house is decent.. but apparently im not allowed to have a space heater without permission. she's putting it in my lease. all her talk about giving me space heaters before.. apparently all bullshit. ugh.. i hope winter is short, and warm. and i find another place i guess next winter. ugh.. lol already thinking about moving and i just got here. oh well.
well im off to my very first staff party with bauer. im actually nervous. i dont really do staff parties... but im poor and free food is free food.

a new day, a new time, a new place a new.

today was good. my room looks a little bit more homey.. livable. work was slow which was actually kinda nice... too much pressure.. not sure how i wouldve handled that.
well im feeling a little less pathetic today. reality set it, and i realized that twice a month.. i can do that. its more than what i had in the summer... i can do it.
today does not feel like saturday. it feels like a monday. like a new week has started. but its just ending.
its going to be my first sunday in awhile that im not going to church. having a car would be really handy right now.
oh well, what better time to bugger down on my devotions than right now.

moving.. always hard for me. im just feeling a little overwhelmed, and not at home yet... how long till i can call a place home? well its the new year and we brought it in with lots of fun memories.. and some i dont remember doing.. well im alive today and im thankful.
alot on my mind now that james is working crazy hours for the next four months.. i feel lonely already just knowing its starting today.
well, happy new years to all! i hope everyone had an amazing night.