hee

I wish I could be poetic..
Have some great insight to the soul
To write words that change people
But im only one girl..
My poems are felt in the moments when the sun is shinning
and the wind is laughing in my face
My great insight to the soul is felt through celtic music playing in me ears
The words I write.. They mean only anything to me.
My gift isn’t in words.
Sometimes my happiness can only be seen on my face
When im so happy I twirl in a field
Or laugh at my childhood memories.
But my words.. My poem to the soul..
Just come with me on a walk..
Im sure you’ll laugh too.

walking around my neighborhood, with celtic music blasting in my ears, the cold wind sweeping right through my layers, and the sun shimmering off my sunglasses.. what is better than that feeling?
i walked through my grade schools play ground, and laughed at the "hill" i used to be afraid to run down too fast.. all the bad memories i harboured from that school are gone. i walked slowly through the field and twirled in the sun and wind. why hold on? im moving on.. i'm going on adventures and seeing the world God created. what could make me happier? someone to share it with.. maybe.. but then again.. silence.. no words just sounds the wind makes through the grass.. can't be replaced.
i always knew i would go and see the world.. didnt know how it was going to happen but i was going to make sure i did it. im doing it! God is sending me on a wild adventure that is crossing more than just land and sea.. its an adventure of trust in him. to know that where im going is where he wants me to be. that the people im leaving here will still be here when i come back. what better way to be tested than to be thrown out of your comfort zone? lord test me! i'm willing to go wherever you lead me. im excited!

the heart

the gift was meant not to be sheltered
But given with care and caution
To never feel or share such love does drain ones soul dry
And wither it with age
But a lesson we all must learn
Not to just give with caution but also to receive
For if the time comes, a life you do hold in the balance
You decide joy or pain, laughter or tears,
life or death.
For nurturing such a thing can lead to a life long love
And still neglect of such a gift, can edge someone off the fragile balance of life
So go forth in life, not as to hide away in the shadows,
But to be open and willing to share your gift
with those who are deserving
And guard it from those who cause it pain and hurt
those who leave as but a broken glass.

touche james, touche.

calmer of the storm

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.

CHORUS:

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Great are you

How I love Your works
My God, My King
How I love Your works
My God, My King

Your Name rings on the plains
Like a not so distant train
And Love and history are near
In the flowers that you make
The flowers that you make

CHORUS

Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are you

How I love Your Word
My God, My King
How I love Your Word
My God, My King

Your love cuts through these pages to my heart
As you grieve our sins, right from the start
And sacrifice and paradise are in
The plans that you made, The plans that you made

amazing

i am going to miss small group. tonight was amazing.
its always hard for me to open up too people. to admit im weak. to admit that.. ya my family is messed and im tired of being the one holding them together but i always will because they are my family.
tonight was a chill night that ended up being one really long intense prayer circle. it was what i needed. after the easter weekend, i was so angry at jesus for bringing me back into the middle of this families problems that i didnt even want to pray or read my bible. i was just angry. tonight i asked for prayer over my family, and over the missions trip. I spent two years in toronto being immersed in the culture and man did i ever change. some for the good and some for the not soo good. I want this missions trip to be my life shock. to zap me back into the person i am.. who i want to be and especially who god wants me to be. i was a little worried how that was going to happen.. not working with children or having to really share the gospel. but i prayed for a movement. and i felt gods spirit.. its been a while but i remember why i love him so much.
i understand why i love all these people. girls who are insecure in their appearance, who have problems with their fathers, guys who are looking for jobs, or just direction. im not alone in my struggles and i dont share all these struggles but God is pointing out to me the things that i need to communicate love over.
tonight.. just amazing. i love God.

no tv. no movies.. well i failed. but i definitely have not been watching as much. im back to learning new songs on the guitar and i've been baking my butt off.
i have.. i think.. pretty much everything for peru. i still need prescriptions, travellers medical insurance. but otherwise im set! yea!! its soo close! my life changing travels are beginning! its a marathon starting April 27~ heehee

to a world that is filled with adds and tv shows and million dollar sessions on fixing yourself, it amazing to find that nothing ever gets fixed because nothing is ever told. everything will remain the same until what is really going on in a persons life is confronted out loud. my family dynamics will never change because we are too busy trying to keep peace within our lies to be able to say the truth to create real peace.

im tired of going back to square one. im tired of these walls that i have. im tired of having to build them back up. im tired of lying to keep the peace and im tired of the picture perfect appearance.
im tired of pretending its ok. im exhausted.
im tired of going from one parent to the other for different reasons but none telling the truth too.
im tired of getting hurt, im tired of seeing my loves getting hurt.

im tired of trying to heal a sore that just wont heal. time and time and more time. im just tired.
im tired of finding my true self. then having to push it back to build the walls to protect my tired and weak heart.
im tired of being strong. and most of all im tired of feeling so tired.. again.

my story

everything can be taken away, the only thing you own is your story. I try to make mine as interesting as possible.

so today started out terribly. i got home last night around 3am. slept until the phone startled me awake at 11. i got up and showered last nights grossness off and went to check my bank statment.. seems like my old landlords are cashing checks left right and center. money i dont have. they are not listening to me and i cant do anything about. im more broke than ever and i didnt know what to do. i emailed my landlords. called the bank to make sure there was nothing i could do. it was pretty much useless. my mom drove me crazy with her laughing at me look.

so after calming down a little i decided to read my bible.. im getting better at that.. anyways i turned to two random pages. and both were stories or examples of what i needed to hear. ask for guidance from the lord, and look at these men with great faith. they trusted in the lord to guide them to what they could not see, and they died with faith even though the promise to them they were not alive to see.

faith in the lord emily. i cant see the future but he has it all planned out. faith. and ask for guidance in the lord when i just dont know what to do.

the power of prayer

last night at small groups, niki shared a story about the modern day miracles.. but for me it was about the power of prayer.
it didnt seem like a big thing to me at the time but its been constantly on my mind this week. Deb, my peru team leader, said that she did not know of any people praying for her.. it shocked my mom to hear this. i didnt really think of it as that important. But this week i really feel that Deb needs our prayers. she is one really amazing woman. to be able to organize the mission, to deal with all 12 of us, money is always an issue. I think its amazing how strong she is, but to not have a group of people praying for her.. its almost wrong. i forget the exact quote but its something like behind all great men, there is a group of people praying for them. something like that.
its on my heart that this week we pray for Deb. for her family. for her work. for her strength as things are getting to their dead lines. For her spiritual strength, for her health. just everything.

go for the walk.

hah! i knew it would snow one last time.. a farewell to the Canadian winter before spring can be full-time. dont curse it! go outside! lift your face to the skies and let the snow flakes land softly on your face. its the last time for another 6 months. feel the cold against your cheeks and breathe in deep. watch your breath as you exhale. love it! smiles and dance in the slight breeze. you have plenty of partners dancing around you. you are not alone today.

go for the walk.