the sound of cars and sirens and all things good

alot of people dont like the city. can't stand the constant noise.
they prefer the country. birds chirping instead of cars honking.
or they would be suberbia. where the trees and cement mix together.

i was walking down a street in toronto one day and i just stopped. has anyone noticed how incredibly weird it is that there are trees in the cement side walk? i have yet to see a full grown tree in a side walk.. so i wonder wat happens to them? toronto is a weird city.

a young tree.. a young city.
little new york city.. center of the universe?

wide open spaces

can a girl be a romantic?
i've often been told that i live my life like a musical.. mostly because i'm always singing.. and lately always just twirling in the sun.. the wind.. the rain.. why not? i'm a dreamer and i love it. but i'm a romantic and i dont want to hold back when a feeling comes over me. if its beautiful outside i'm going to giggle.. i'm going to laugh outloud.. i'm going to twirl and enjoy life as it comes. in this world i think that everyone worries way too much about how they are percepted. too silly.. too girly.. too serious.. not fun enough. the world is always judging.. so i've decided that i may still care.. but not enough to shut out my want to lie in the grass, giggle and close my eyes in the sun, stare up at the clouds, sing to the music in my head. the world is filled with beauty that we ignore.

how does the saying go? sing like no one can hear you, dance like no one can see you..
its wise words! take them seriously. i laugh alot.. not gunna lie about that! if i can giggle i'm going too! some people may think i can't be serious, and i almost like that.. but if they kno me well enough they know that i care deeply about everyone.. who they are, wat they are feeling, the stresses of life.. i want to kno everything!

But my advice might be changing..

dance because you know people can see you!
sing to the musical in your head, so that you can share the joy your feeling
girls- TWIRL! its awesome how it makes you feel. stop caring about wat people will think when they see you.. and realize that if it makes you giggle.. its worth it!

living in the city.. skip down the street.. smile at the sun.. stop and let your hair be whipped by the wind.
look up! see the beauty of the clouds. God has given us so many things to make us smile! so smile! giggle! be a romantic!

i was in montreal and one day we were out in the country. it was my idea of a perfect day. it was warm, sunny a few clouds and extremely windy. i layed down in a feild and the wind swept over me. i listened to the music of the earth. the grass played a song so beautiful it could make anyone cry. the trees swung into the chorus and everything was so harmonious. the sky moved with perfect grace. the sun was gentle and bold. i was in my bliss.
i twirled in the wind. i picked flowers.. i was in my own beautiful world. it was the perfect day.

the wind in the trees and birds in the sky

wow.. its my week off but this is my first day of just doing... not nothing.. but not something.
i'm in waterloo visiting my sister and the weather has been gorgeous! i woke up this morning and could hear birds chirping and sunshine was filling the room so brightly. its been a long time since i've experienced that. i miss it. for sure i miss it. i love toronto to no end but my place is hiding the world from my senses.

the thing about big cities is that you dont have time to enjoy your surroundings. even when you go out for dinner.. your rushed. i'm remembering that in the beginning of the year i blogged that i was sitting in downtown business center of toronto watching the world shuffle by and i noticed a bird. totally unaware of the crazy city lives rushing from job to job, coffee to street car and grocery store to bed. life is work. i hated when i realized this. i'm a dreamer and realizing that my days of sitting outside listening to worlds beautiful sounds... its over. i want to cry.

but now i'm realizing its not over. i just need to put myself in a situation where i can enjoy them. where i can just sit.. not worrying about money, not worrying about being late for work or school... not worrying.. just sitting.

i do go out and have fun with friends.. but its not the same. i need my escape.. my escape from my crazy life. i need to find my center peace.. haha ya i need yoga (that should so be a commercial!)

i'm sitting in tim hortons on UW campus and looking out the window i can see trees, i can see waters, i see grass and paths. i woke up stressed that i wasnt stressed. i'm rediiscovering wat its like to not be stressed. i look at my dad and see how stressed he always is.. i didnt get it, why doesnt he just take a break.. i just realized that once you work this hard (and its only been two weeks for me) we dont understand or are uncapable of not being stressed.. we get stressed about that fact we're not stressed. its a backward world this career thing.

just remember Gods blessings.. experience the freedom of the wind in the trees and the birds in the sky.

22 hour work weekend

well! the real world is fun. after an 11 hour shift my first night... getting home at 2 in the morning, and then starting work again at 9, and just getting home now, (midnight), and even though i would love to chop off my feet and wash the espresso out of my system, i had an awesome day. i love my job! its hard work, but the people are awesome and makes the day go by much faster. for some reason today was much better than yesterday. i could not wait to get home yesterday! but today was a good day from the first espresso ;)

i realize i must have led on when i said in my last blog that i didnt kno the truth.. well the truth is i still dont, but at least i'm beginning to have the courage to ask my family about my family! and as much as i would love to just sit down my mom and dad and straight out ask them TOGETHER how they split and why so no lies would be told and the truth i would hope! would come out. but i kno that wont happen so the only person i have never asked for their version of wat happened is my dad. and i think for me to be able to get completely healed of my past, i need some straight answers from him.

anyways, my first weekend at work was awesome!!!

the first day of the real world

i start my job today!! and even though i've worked there before, i'm nervous as hell! its a weird feeling to make your own money and to support yourself. i'm not sure i want too, but i know i have to. i'm excited for this new step in my life.. haha to have money... but soo scared!

i'm working in a kitchen, the behind the scenes of the beautiful candle light dinners. and at first i thought i was going to miss seeing the beautiful exterior of the restaurant but i realized that i love the people in the back. they're funny. they're hard working.. a little.. ok a lot perverted.. but its fun.

well, i was also really touched to see that others read my blog. i realize i dont really write as much anymore.. the hardships of having cable for the first time.. lol. but i miss these small insights into people i love.
i've been thinking alot about my family lately. how angry i was that i didnt know the truth about my family. soo much i didnt even kno!
hm.. well my thoughts are scattered right now, and i need to get ready for work.
i will write again.. soon

life... and its ironies

so last i read my sisters blog and was flabergasted to find that we are feeling all the same emotions. As everyone pretty much knows i have never been in love. I told everyone i dont believe in love and was pretty happy being an anti commitment teenager surrounded by teen love that never lasted. and now having no previous experience of wat true love is, or wat commitment is for that matter, i find myself surrounded by and all alone in this area of love. I admire my friends who have been committed to their specials for years. and sometimes i wish i had that. i long for some one to care about wat i did while i was gone, for someone to care about the bitch i ran into at the store, or the funny conversation i heard while i was walking home from the street car. anything. but i come home to a basement, with no food a tv and stress.
recently i fell for a guy. and its a weird experience. not because i have never fell for a guy before, but because except for one thing, we have everything in common! our likes, dislikes, music, movies, food, partying, everything! everyday i'm with him i discover another thing we have in common.
i have never ever ever had that. ever. and i'm at a total loss at how to handle it. is it just evil comedy to have a guy in my life who i think is perfect for me and not be able to finally commit to a relationship.

i wondered while i was in highschool if the reason i wasnt all for commitment was because i had never witnessed a real relationship and so wasn't sure wat it was. now surrounded by relationships that have lasted and others that i kno will last i don't have even the slightest opportunity to share that commitment. i'm jealous of it. soo jealous of it. i have been afraid of love because i kno that it brings hurt and heart ache, but now i realize that hurt and heart ache is only a small part of it. that love and commitment is the biggest part of it. and i want that! haha emily bogdan, no commitment i'll get married maybe girl wants love. haha even as i'm writing it, i kno its true and its just too real. i never thought those words would come out. i'm growing up! my life living at home with uncommitted and broken homes is leaving me. i'm discovering a world of real love, heart ache and amazing memories!

well, enough of my pathetic first timer love issues.
to my the only one i kno that reads this.. i love you steph