everythings gunna be alright

uh oh.

The trials of growing up. Plopped down in the middle of a cage of glass and cement and expected to find the tree.
This tree surrounded by the floor of waste, of laziness and of ignorance
still stands. Its lush green leaves are small and tainted. Its trunk is just skin and bone.
told to survive with no air.
it still stands.
seasons change but this tree can't tell the weather change.
it stays the same. with no chance to shimmer with colour in the fall sun.
without a chance the tree is stripped of leaves and left to bear the cold city winter.
This is a long time of rest.
this is a long time.
The tree feels warmer. its surprised at the little warmth it drags from the cold spring sun.
This tree is starting over. A new chance to spread from its cement and glass cage.
It reaches high. It reaches wide.
But not too wide, or too high.
the cement is not forgiving. It shall not break its boundaries.

my summer?

I'm exhausted.
I haven't been thinking in my romantic view of life in a long time.
I don't walk down the streets of toronto and actually look around.
My mind is exhausted with thoughts of school, France, work, moving, money.
My body is feeling jet lagged. Sleep.. there's never enough time.

i'm too tired to enjoy life. i need to organize myself. I need to prioritize my life.. my thoughts.. my future.

is this a career I can handle? i'm thinking about next semester and i'm overwhelmed.
I have never enjoyed thinking about my future but it seems to be the only thing i can think about.

I am lost in the confusion of the word love. or even like. or just time to find a friend.

Tv is consuming me. i can't stand the silence. i need noise. i need to be buzzed out.

I'm losing who i am.. or am i discovering who i am going to be?

a work-a-holic with no time to sleep, socialize or enjoy the silence of the city.

i need a holiday. i need to be in nature.

i want inner peace. relaxation.

a little light.. a little darkness

wasting time. wasting your mind.
no inspiration.
its gorgeous outside
at the computer i only know the things it tells me.
i'm sitting inside.

another slip. another date.
too much time.
just here. waiting.
fingers move across the key board.
i write my own thoughts.. don't i?

freedom. speech!
a voice in the dark...
hiding in the light.
you don't know me. i don't know me.

hope. harmony.
it begins with H.
understanding and reason
starts with nothing.
scratches.

the longest hall.. the brightest corridor.
warm bright colours
an antique world.
muted blues- lovely.

flowers.

street lamp in the tree

i was walking down... i forget which street but i noticed a beautiful sight. this tree was old.. big.. strong with large branches and full of leaves. it is a beautiful tree. but what caught my eye wasn't the coarse bark and lushes green leaves. there was a street lamp high into the massive coverings of this gorgeous tree. it was like a spot light. it was beautiful. i wish i could better describe it.
in this city of toronto.. beauty is in the eyes of the onlooker. it could be the ugliest city or the most beautiful. i am a romantic. .. i am a dreamer... i imagine or find beauty in this world... because i choose the world i live in. and i choose to live in beauty. i choose to live in harmony.. between trees and street lights. between flowers and sidewalks. between towering buildings and potted plants. between traffic and candle light bistros - all are the beauties of toronto.

in a world of foggy sights

i dont get my family. i dont get my life.
i was finally returning to my normal state of being completely happy with my life or at least satisfied when in a simple step up a stair, i feel like i have no direction. everything is jumbled and uncertain. i had an amazing visit with my dad on monday. we kept a conversation going from when he picked me up to the next morning when he drove me to my mothers. it was incredible. we didnt talk about personal stuff obvi, but we shared our similarities and interests and it was awesome! i saw my mom and we also had a really good time! talked about issues that didnt make us start yelling at eachother, but we're really good to discuss. saw the canada day fire works.. it was good. got back to toronto this morning happy, excited for school and work.. than i hear one little sentence that i'm not even positive was said.. although i have a witness so to speak and i'm lost. who knew that "i broke up with my girlfriend" could destroy me. i talked about how i was excited to find love that i was ready to experience the hurt because that was just a small piece of the puzzle.. but my heart was crushed... it was doomed from the beginning which seems to be my lot in life, he had a girlfriend, and he chose her. but now he's single.. and just as i was putting him in the friend zone... i'm yanked back into the uncertainty, the pain of remembering the most horrible phone call of my life.. and i'm afraid. i'm terrified! i don't want to experience that again.. i could fall so quickly back into his arms.. but i'm soo scared.
my mom and i shyly went over comments we've been told in our lives.. girls with no dads are sluts.. single parent children will never make it in life...
i'm in a career that i LOVE and i'm only 18! i may not be the purest of girls, but i have dignity, i know my boundaries and standards.
am i failing because of fear? no, i've conquered so much in my life... can i ever just be tired of having to conquer? ha some how i dont think thats how life works...
so wat do you do when faced with wat could turn out to be love? ha you run...