ya Jazz!

i love jazz.. alot of people just cant follow it so they dont enjoy it, but really, it has a beat underlying all the crazy solo's. i'm listening to Oscar Peterson + sonny stitt, its so cheery.
i wanted something up beat but not in my face to listen too and i found this. its perfect. it gave me energy to get up, i waltzed around my room with my coffee, put away my laundry, organized and cleaned my room. i have aspirations to clean the rest of the apartment tonight, so that if my mom does come tomorrow she won't be disgusted. today has started out wonderful! i called my mom last night to tell her my agenda for montreal. she's been really amazing lately. with all my finance problems, and everything that i'm learning in school, she's been excited with me. its been alot of fun hanging out with her lately. playing games, laughing. i mean we always have a talk that leaves one of us crying, but i think thats just the way it works. this week has been awesome! and its bound to get better, I'M LEAVING SUNDAY FOR MONTREAL! i'll be there a week and i'm so pumped! i'm staying in a 4star hotel for a week! and i'm learning at an amazing french culinary school, and going to so many amazing places!
sometimes life is exactly like jazz...
you feel lost, with no beat to follow. but underlying all the crazy off-beat solo's, your beat is strong and keeping you align.

haha well that was poetic note of the day.

basking in the moon light

take a walk.

its beautiful outside.

there is no sun, but i want you to bask in the light.

there is no warmth in the air, but i want you soak in the breeze.

there is but a spot light in the sky. and its not shinning on you.

enjoy it! love it! be alone with it! just be...

there is no laughter on the wind, but i want you to smile.

there is no music, but i want you to dance to your hearts beat.

i want you to be you.

you may feel lonely, but feel filled with the presence of you.

your thoughts may turn to the day, but stop. look to the night sky. look to the shadows of the new leaves on the trees of spring.

do not look at all. close your eyes. see the darkness.

do not hear. do not hear, and do not listen.
sing to your own musical. play the soundtrack to your life right now.

play it on the wisps of pollen swirling around you in this cold windy dark night.

find the romance.

find the peace.

find you.

cuz its all about you

this is a story about a girl. i wonder how many movies have that line in them? haha anyways, my weekend has been an interesting one. I slept over at liz's friday. On Saturday, we decided to go for a bike ride through the trails along the escarpment. It was harsh, i havent been on a bike in ages and my legs felt like rubber for awhile, it was like riding a horse for the first time in a long time. haha i rediscovered muscles in my legs. it was alot of fun though, we saw half a dozen dear, i finally found out where that bridge that crosses the highway goes to, and i peed in the bushes! haha i haven't done that since camp. we biked into the woods found this pretty awesome field that was completely mud. i had alot of fun, scrapes and sprained ankles altogether! it was beautiful outside so liz and i walked to Tim Hortons came back and sat outside on the bench till it was time for her to go work. we had a really good talk. she was saying that when she was in Romania she realized how fortunate she was to have her parents. i told her how her parent basically raised me too, considering they taught me everything i know about children and how to talk/take care of them, they taught me to be responsible, face my fears and to live out my faith. They encouraged me in my singing, which i never really got in my own family. they were the first and only family to support my decision in going to chef school right from the beginning- which has meant more to me than anything.
As liz plainly pointed out, my childhood was screwed over from the beginning and she is happy that her parents raised me. we talked about what i might have turned out as if i hadn't met them, or if my parent hadn't gotten divorced or if certain things hadn't happened when i was little. But with all considered, my circumstances growing up are what made me, me. and i wouldn't want to change that. Sure i still have people to forgive and holes in my heart to fill, and let my black heart be open to love, but forgiveness does not take two seconds. many people tell me i just need to forgive and why haven't i done that yet? life will be so much easier when I've done that. well, believe me! i know all the steps i need to take, I've been hearing nothing else since i was 6! but i need time, i can't just do it. you say why not, and i ask you. have you ever been through what i have?! i know the steps to "freedom" i just need time to face them and do them. I've forgiven the people, but forgiveness is not as simple in this case. i have to keep forgiving every time I'm reminded of something they did or didn't do, and so i need time to forgive them for those things. and maybe i have forgiven some people, but if i was face to face with them, i would have nothing to say to them.. and thats not a bad thing!

well that was basically our conversation. it was pretty amazing. i haven't talked about that stuff in a long time, and there was really no other person i would want to talk about that with that her. This missions trip she went on has reminded me that sometimes when your serving others, your healing your own heart in being a servant.

eggs and bacon

good morning!

so i' back in ancaster visiting my bestest friend who is back from Romania. A- i was able to sleep in today! yea!!! and B- i woke up to the beautiful smell of eggs and bacon! yea! lol

the weather outside is quite frightful but inside the light is warm and i am very comfortable.
i dont have any romantic poetic things to say right now.. the sports update in on the tv and i cant really put my mornings events into some nice lines.

i'm yours

well you done done me and you bet i felt it
i tried to get you but you're so hot that i melted
i fell right through the cracks
and i'm trying to get back
before the cool done run out
i'll be giving it my bestest
nothin's going to stop me but devine intervention
i reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait, i'm yours

well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love
listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
ah la peaceful melody
its your godforsaken right to be loved love loved love love

so i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait i'm sure
theres no need to complicate
our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours

i been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
and bendin over backwards just to try to see it clearer
my breath fogged up the glass
so i drew a new face and laughed
i guess what i'm sayin is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
its what we aim to do
our name is our virtue

i won't hesitate no more
no more it cannot wait i'm sure
theres no need to complicate
our time is short

jason mraz

wake up little suzie wake up

birds chirping. in the winter the best thing to wake up to is the smell of hot food being prepared for breakfast. the rest of the seasons, its birds saying good morning right outside your window. i didn't think i would ever get the chance to hear them in my new place, but this morning was glorious. they were awake, and ready to talk so that i could hear them. the most beautiful conversation i have ever eves-dropped on. i can still hear them now. i cannot wait for the mornings when its warm enough that my window will be open and i can sit outside and drink my cup of coffee listening to the beauty of Toronto. you know what? i think i belong in Europe. i need the history, the beauty, the casualty in my life. i want to sit in the middle of the city, and be surrounded by all of it. Toronto is great, but its new, it has very little character. i can imagine my heart away, but its not the romance of Europe. than again, i've never actually been. so how could i know? the birds have moved on from my window, and i cannot hear them anymore. which is all well, because i really should go get my first cup of coffee. the world moves on and maybe i would just like to be surrounded by the beauty of the past. the wonder of living in a world less complicated than my own. ha isn't that everyones dream.

in love

alright, so i kno so many people have told me to listen to jason miraz.. bu i never had.. until this morning.. and i'm in love! its like a mix of jack johnson and john mayor! with a little micheal buble.. OMG! amazing!

so its 9 20. i've had my cup of coffee, cleaned the kitchen, organized my room, continued doing my laundry from last night, and yet... i'm just sitting here. i've been sitting here for 20min.
i woke up at 6 per usual, stared at the picture of my sister and I that i have on the wall (didnt think about anything just stared) then got up made coffee, watched some music vidoes on the tv while i stretched and did a little pilates. then drank my coffee, killed a humungus (if anyone knows how to spell that please do share!) spider, cleaned the guts of the centipede i killed yesterday on the counter (i'm telling you, its just creatures with more than four legs that creep me out. ps, i realized i have a huge fear of lobsters). i dont know but i wish i just had motivation to do something! anything.. i need to go out and be alive in the world. i feel like i have closed myself in. i havent been exploring my new area, i've been down the street (walking) once! i havent gone grocery shopping since last week sunday! two weeks basically. how long have i been here for? i dont even remember! time has no record for me anymore. the only time i seem to care about concerns money and food that i'm cooking for a chef. is this wat my life is going to be for the rest of my life? i need a hobby.. but why does it seem that all hobbies cost money?! I HATE MONEY! but i need it..

alright, so that was all the thoughts going through my mind this morning that i wouldnt actually let myself listen too.

until i post again.

the sleep in mode

so, it is now 7 15. i just got up and started the coffee maker but my body is in a twist. my mind is very awake. but my body is still asleep. waking up at 6 as usual i was trying to sleep in until 7 but every minute felt like 10 and my sleep was a ticking bomb. my body was on edge, to make sure i didn't over sleep and now after that excitement its even more exhausted. its a weird thing how the body is separate from the mind. i thought i wasn't supposed to have that realization until i was 50 with the mind of a 20year old.
anyways, its a new day, to be filled with new adventures (all in French of course).
well my coffee should be ready now, so auvoir!

coffee of the day

well, its 6am.
that in itself can tell more then my own artist words can. through my small window i can see just a slight slit of beautiful bright blue sky. my room mate has just left so i feel free to wander the quite halls of my home in peace. the coffee is on its way.
i would say my love addiction to coffee is one of pureness. i do not drink coffee for the caffeine, although as time has gone by it seems my body rests on that need. but in my heart, my spirit my mind, i drink coffee for the beautiful aroma that hits my face it the cloud of steam that sifts into the air as I pour my first cup. Its the creamy cafe sense of peace that draws me to sit in silence as i sip my first cup. my imagination places coffee in a world of chaos, with dead lines and fees but me just sitting. ignoring the rushing of people. ignoring the world of then and now and later. me and coffee is pure in thought. it is pure of the world. its just me sitting, listening to the world that no one cares for. its me seeing the beauty that everyone is in but never sees. coffee is my time to see the world in my own eyes.
now who could want to seperate me from that!?

getting comfortable

well, i'm all moved in to my new place. i'm sitting here watching tv, i've wondered about my new neighborhood a little bit today since it was nice out. i live in china ville. lol but its nice, my street is very homey i must say. cute homes, quite people, and trees! lol plus no traffic. its a cute little ghetto.
well, i start school tomarrow. i went through my french language testing.. haha that was fun. i new how to say my name and that was pretty much it. no need to say i'll be starting in the beginners class. I have orientation tomarrow, from 7:30 to 5. its going to be a long day but i'm just so over excited that i'm taking this course.
o, so i have a cat. well its not really mine, its my landlords, but it comes and visits me. its a gorgeous orange really lanky cat. i love it! i really needed to have a pet with me and now i have one that i dont even have to really worry about. lol i love it!
so everything in toronto is working out. i'm a little lonely i can't deny, but when school starts i'm sure i'll be so busy i won't notice. hopefully.
my best friend is in romania and so i'm completely alone it that way too. i know she's only gone for two weeks, but its nice to have some conversation with a person i love in a new surrounding.