in the hands of God, we will fall, rest for the restless and the weary. hope for the sinner.
in the hands of God, we stand tall. hands of the mighty to deliver, giving us freedom.
your amazing.

its a new year tomorrow! exhausted from 2009, im looking forward to the new year, a fresh start, a new boost of hope for a better life.
prayers of guidance.
prayers of peace and excitement.
prayers of a fire placed in my heart that will get me off my butt to do what i love..
help others.. less fortunate, in need of ears to listen, hands to feed.
i want to be useful.

i have a long list of new year resolutions. and if even one of them is accomplished i know i will be a much happier person.

its a new year!!! and i know how amazing God is, i made it to 2010!!

i dont know what to do. i dont know if we can ever be the same. i dont know if we can get passed this. i dont know if you.. can forgive me.
you say you forgive me.. but your actions behind your words only last so long.
and your actions.. seem to be there for people to see.. not for me to feel.

its the beginning of another stressful week. not only with working 6 days a week... but its the second time i saw you...and we never seem to say goodbye with our hearts, or our minds. i leave in a daze of sadness, regret and wishfullness.
i leave in fear that its the last time. that this.. is too much to handle. too much to forgive.
i dont know what to say to make it better... and i dont know how to talk to you when your angry.

im happy we had the talk that we did... but with the hurt that we both feel, im wishing i never had to talk. life would be easier if my words evapourated before they hit your ears. but it wouldnt work, it doesnt happen like that.

i took communion with you today. i strongly believe in not particapating unless my mind and heart and soul are clear. do you feel the same? forgiveness is not a one time... forgive and forget moment.. how easy would life be if it was?? but i asked for forgiveness... i forgave you... i felt at peace with us..

when will you feel at peace with us? will you ever feel at peace?
this worries me.

6 months

im sitting hear, exhausted. listening to Alexi Murdoch. texting my lover. praying thankyou's to my savior that ive been committed to him for 6 months. thats pretty much unbelievable. and after my freak out at work, my crazy rushed prayer time with god, asking for calmness, thanking him and trying to organize my thoughts.. well i realized ive never been happier, more at home and trusting with another person. this person that i thought could never exist.. well he does and he loves me.. its just the weirdest thing for me to grasp. im not a man hater.. i just dont have faith in... well any of them. but im being healed and im so happy i feel like im going crazy. we share our faith, our likes... well most of them, and dislikes.. well most of them lol. im just so excited. i feel so blessed. so lucky.

away we go

amazing movie. its artsy, small film, and perfect. its a movie about finding your home.. your roots, but also finding it with the person you love, and person being created in her.
made me laugh.. makes me want to go for a walk and just think about my life, makes me want to cry, and it makes me smile from deep in my heart.

a good day.

yesterday.. started out rough. i woke up 15 minutes before i started work... at 6am. didnt wash my face, or brush my teeth, or do anything with my bed head. work was fine, drank alot of coffee and before i knew it, it was 1pm and i got to leave! so my most amazing boyfriend picked me up and we went "shopping" or basically window shopping. it was probably one of my bestest afternoons. i was tired, gross and in my chef clothes, but mostly i got to spend all afternoon just him and me. it was perfect.

just tired

so yesterday i worked my first twelve hour shift at wild craft. i fell asleep at 11 last night.. full out pass out. waking up when my sister offered me a free ride to my place.. and i turned it down and continued to be numb to the world.
waking up i was still tired in my mind, but my body was already stretching and getting ready to be walked. so i went made myself a tea.. and now im wrapped in a blanket writing on my blog.

goals today:
read captivating.
re read chapter two of falling for god.
at some point i need to shower, and might need to go to my own house.

excitment for the day:
my lover might come visit me tonight!!! yea!

trying to clear the mind

trying to hear the silence
listening to music to hear the silence in between.

doesnt make sense does it?
how does music help me hear the silence...

why am i craving silence?
"and your raising the dead in me"

the mind creates silence..
because the world is never silent.

so those moments...
when words or sights...

make you stop.
think... silence.

hey love

Hey love Ive been thinking bout us
And this thing that weve got going
Its not your friends, its not my songs
What we have runs deeper

Hey love, come and talk to me
Tell me your dreams
I wanna know what picks you up, what makes you cry
Come open my mind

Thats fine we can sit a while
Or we can go dancing, dancing love
I dont care, as long as were
Together Ill be alright
Hey love

You should know that youre making me much better
You show me who I am inside
I know that this might sound crazy
But youve got me on a natural high

And Im never coming down
Im never coming down
Never coming down

Lets get old
Lets settle down
Well take drives in the country
Or stay at home and just fool around
Baby love it could be so nice
As long as were together

Thats fine we can sit a while
Or we can go dancing, dancing love
I dont care, as long as were
Together Ill be alright
Hey love

crazy, just crazy

ok! ... ok!
unbelievable.
it was one of those moments. it was almost like a break through in my life.
it was a realization of my biggest fears... i didnt think that i was still insecure. that im still afraid of being me because i think that those i love will leave if they know the real me.

it was a sad realization that i still have those insecurities. but it was an amazing release when the person i care for the most, didnt leave. to know that even we know so little about eachother, that i can share my deepest weaknesses and not be afraid.
its such a weird, amazing thing.
it was an amazing night.

blessings

its crazy when you find that someone that makes you smile, that their touch makes butterflies appear, and their eyes out shine the stars.
its even crazier when they understand you and still love you, after a visit to the rents.

i saw my mother this weekend, it was fun, we played a lot of scrabble. but we also had a lot of spiritual talks and talks about my family/siblings. i saw my oma, and we talked about my siblings, i saw my dad and step mom, and we talked about siblings.

is it really that hard to just let people be? to accept that we cant figure everyone out.. that not everyone fits a text book?
maybe im just tired of being in the middle. i dont know. i talked about joe alot this weekend too.. about how i stole my siblings child hood. and how thats affecting them now. being with my rents, makes me want to cry. so many memories that i wish i didnt have.
why is he being brought back up all of a sudden? i went years without hearing about him. then i see him once in four years, just in passing. and i tell no one in my family about the sighting. but now he's being brought up everywhere. i hate it.

i also discovered this weekend that i am a huge control freak. james quite honestly told me its because i grew up not trusting and having to take care of myself. so i need to be in control of my life and what happens in it. It makes perfect sense and i was already praying about it, when my mom brought it up and made it seem like i was ruining my life with this sin that has been passed on through the generations.
i also feel terrible because she thinks i tell her everything.. that i trust her...
again with my trust issues.

i want to thankyou james for listening, understanding and still loving me after my crazy stupid emotionally draining weekend.

fall season

a cool crisp day, cloudy yet bright. the wind gently turns your nose rosey and cold.
home made cookies, warm tea and wool socks.
fall is my favourite season. the colours, the smells, the crisp refreshing air.
good food and no pressure of gifts..
apple picking, pumpkin carving, roasted chestnuts sold on the street.

this is my inspiration time. experimenting with new ideas.. perfecting the old ones.
if money was not an issue.. i would be cooking and baking more than i listen to music or read my books.

and sitting beside lit candles instead of the glow from the tv or computer.

challenged

i need to feel challenged.
i love my new job, the atmosphere is fun and the people are great.
but i dont feel challenged. i've learned all the plates and im bored.
when i worked at auberge, i was challenged every day with speed, new recipes, responsibilities, pre plating, and every night there was a crazy rush. if i dont feel challenged at work.. am i going to be bored forever?
i've picked up a couple catering gigs.. im pretty excited for them. i get to challenge myself. put myself on a time limit, a budget.
but im worried. is this really my calling? im only twenty and im already bored with my current job.
i want a career that challenges me every day. that makes me sweat, get nervous.. conquer at the end of every day.

my boyfriend says i need a hobby. i remember at the end of my toronto life, thats all i wanted.. to do something that makes me smile, laugh.. something else i love to do either than cook. what happened to that? why am i so dissatisfied? is it living in a new place.. still getting a handle on the new surroundings?

i feel lost. i feel that i lost who i am, and what i love somewhere in saskatchewan.
when i returned i wanted to set goals. i dont even know where i would begin to find goals now.

is it so hard to support me?
am i that unpredictable.. that unorganized?
that child still?

is it wrong to ask for support...
encouragement..
prayer.

catch and release

to go back in time. to restart a moment.

the living, live to love each breath

cherish the strides down the cobble stone road.

ahh.. the life in ontario

so im officially living in kitchener waterloo. and i think im loving it. im taking my first transit experience to an interview in a few minutes.
i thought about it yesterday.. i realized i havent blogged in awhile. i should get back into it. the past couple weeks have been very interesting. with interviews, the boyfriend being so close, my birthday and the normal family drama that i get to be included in again now that im closer. im hoping that i can start to call this area at least, home. i havent stayed put in one place since i left home and even now, i know i will be moving soon. but i would like to at least call waterloo home. its a cute city. small yet large and its friendly.. im loving that part.
it was my birthday a couple days ago and i didnt really have a big celebration.. it was kinda nice. im twenty.. im old officially no longer a child.. boo. lol
but there was no big family get together, no terrible singing and it was nice. no awkwardness.
lol well i should get going. i will blog when i get back after my hour and fifteen min. bus ride. lol

the count down

star gazing, shooting stars, amazing clouds, northern lights, sunsets and dirt road walks. this place is beautiful, but im ready to go home. to be with my love, to be close to the ones i love. im leaving this place with only the best memories saved in my mind. a road trip home is going to be awesome, long and tiresome but soo worth the memories i will make and the exciting times i will share with a girl who is going to be in my life forever. life.. is an adventure and im not backing down. this is exciting times.

summer rain

i woke up early this morning. 7 am and ready to be outside. it was a refreshing walk to the pub for breakfast. gray skies and a cool breeze. i walked through the forest just to feel away from civilization. trees and moss and rotting logs, flowers and bushes and squirrels. it was a beautiful stroll through a world unseen by so many. i look outside now, past the reflections on the window and i see a forest untouched and unappreciated. nature surrounded by cars and boats and rv's. buildings that hide the forest entrance.
the rain that is riding the wind outside these walls is soft, and loving to the dry ground, beaten by human toys.
the earth is our play ground.... we dig, we build, we destroy and then leave. a cycle that is about to bring us back to our first mistake.
karma some say... the circle of life ... fate ... destiny ... our fall ...

inner peace

its amazing. knowing my future actually has given me peace. i hate thinking about my future.. alot. i like the unknown, but realizing that i am leaving elkridge.. im excited to be with the people i love again. to feel at home.. its exciting. i've had good and moments and bad times here, life at its best. but i feel alone. trying to make this place home is hard when i dont have a lot in common with anyone, and everyone else seems to have so much in common. i will come for a visit one day again, because this place is beautiful, but right now, im ready to leave this place at the end of the summer. i need stability and trust in my life. i have that at home. the friends here are the most bi polar people i have ever met. im excited to live with my sister in waterloo, a beautiful and peaceful city, to go on coffee dates and sit in a quiet pub listening to live music. i miss star bucks. lol.
its a beautiful day. perfect fall weather. cloudy and sunny, and a cold wind that refreshes my unwashed face. my tea refreshing and warm, the rays of sun blinking through the steam coming from my cup. its a perfect morning. now only if the afternoon continues in this way.

worthwhile

its just one of those days. yesterday i had a very relaxing and chill day. after work though was kareoke and i was planning on getting a little tipsy and having some fun, and i did but then my friend wanted to get smashed and i just wasnt feelin it.
i think i was just really enjoying the quiet life all day. even the kitchen was really quiet, not really any covers came in and i did my prep really slowly. there was no music on and it was just quiet. it was really nice. the weather was gorgeous, breezy and sunny.
the breeze has picked up today and its cloudy and cold, not really a shocking weather report considering its been a really cold summer.
ugh you know those days where just want to write something, but cant think of anything worth while to say?

so i had a little downer time a couple days ago. without wanting to sound conceited or something, all the guys here think im beautiful, and its been really hard for me to know how to handle it. i tried to ignore it, but then they went from saying it among themselves to telling me, all the time and i just smile but its really hard for me to have all that attention.. i dont really like it, yet its a confidence booster too. anyways, rumours here run as fast as highschool girls and i heard that someone was saying something about how i am sleeping around. and it really hurt. it got me pissed off, then upset and then the next morning, after waking up still upset about it, i got an email that just made me realize that, the rumour has no truth in it, so why should it matter what these people are saying. they are not my friends. awesome enough there was one girl in the circle where that person said it, that stuck up for me. im glad to know there are some people here who have morals and arent still in their highschool era. but as the summer goes on i realize that more and more rumours will start and fall through and try and hurt me, but it fades and i hope i can be there when someone tries to start one just to shut it down as fast as it came out.
as for right now, im sitting in the silence.. no music is what i mean, and no friends beside me. im listening to the wind in the trees outside my window. its so beautiful up here. i understand why people make fun of saskatchewan, but i can understand why no one would leave this place, to convince others of its beauty.

how the summer begins, is nothing like how it is going to end. when does it end? im really feeling at home here in saskatchewan. i've met the locals, met the people that come up just for the summer.. and i love them. i love it here. i dont know what to do.. i have my life in ontario, but there are no jobs there.. i cant go back and live off my parents. i would go crazy. there are jobs here. and i like it here. i dont know what to do. i cant expect anyone to wait for me that long.. this depression we are going through is only going to get worse and i need to just get some backing.. i hate thinking about my future..

trust. never thought i would be the one making it a hard thing. i know that i dont trust easily.. and i only trust a select few in my life.. but i never thought i could be the untrustworthy one. it cuts me to even think it. i find a person that i love, fly thousands of miles away for 4 months, and if thats not a test enough, i get drunk with random guys. nothing happens i just get drunk. and i hate that i make him worry about me. i hate that he stays up, unable to sleep because he's stressed that im not safe or doing something i shouldnt be.
change. its not making myself be someone different. its deciding that this person is worth cutting back on doing things that make him uncomfortable.
aahh.. i cant even put my thoughts out now.. this is terrible. i wish i could just fly home to his arms and never let him go. im so sorry for making you worry. i hate that i am doing that to him. thats just.. its not cool.

the third day. its kinda boring.. lol. my time off is every morning until 3.. there's not much to do. its too cold to be outside chilling or reading.. so im sitting in the pub writing emails and checking facebook. i dont think i will ever want a day off. the kitchen is easy and slow right now.. i have two weeks to write down the stats as i go, because then im on my own.. the other guy put in this two weeks notice yesterday. makes me sad, he's really cool and i get along with him the best. but its just summer job and im sure when it gets busy i'll be fine. i might go for a run.. im realy bored.
i got moved to the hill. its a shack in the middle of no where. haha but its heated.. cant drink the water and have to walk a distance to the washroom but its heated.. its one step better than camp. lol.

yours truely.

so! my first sleep at Elk Ridge. it was good. restful. last night was my first shift and i am the only girl in the kitchen.. but there's only four of us... its very roomy. the menu isnt much to talk about..there's no elk, moose or specialty meats. they do some fish though.. which is good. auberge definitely trained me for any kitchen.. cuz compared to them everyone is really easy! i wish i had brought up some of my recipes from school in france, and from auberge.. show them some new things. i'll have to try by memory. lol. well, its not a growing in talent kitchen, its experience.
the boys are nothing to worry about here. kinda a relief. no cute sleezy boy hitting on me. its all good. i think i can handle this. drinking.. not really pressured.. i think i intimidate alot of them.. which i am completely fine with.
thanks for the prayers!

saskatoon

what a day. im so tired. emotionally, physically. but spiritually i want to keep growing.
today was a mess. a constant feeling that im going to be late, starting with the first flight. being the last one to board is always interesting. then, getting to saskatoon and meeting a stranger, then have to find a place to sleep because my ride isnt until tomorrow. sleeping at a strangers house.. hearing stories about my work that im not too excited to start enduring.
i love meeting new people, but today, i just wanted to be in the arms of my boyfriend. held by the familiar scent and the strong arms of the person i love, and who loves me. i realized without even getting to the resort, that this summer is going to be a challenge. im a cook. cooks drink. we party, work, party work. thats our lives. and as much as i loved it, i wish it were different. i dont want a new sex partner every night. i dont want to get drunk every night. i dont want to deny my love for christ. to put it out there as something smaller than it is.
but im afraid thats what it is going to become. i'll role back into my old ways. im terrified. i have one fellow christian with me but it seems that she's been livin it up rough too. i hope that we can keep eachother in check. i need prayer. tons. i know that God sent me here to challenge my strength. my self control. i know i will make it through this summer. but how strong i come out of it.. thats another thing.
i just need alot of prayer.

yours truely

yours truely

a moment that is staying in my mind. "i pray for your presence Lord, where ever I go"
that is the way to put it. there's trust in that sentence. there's just no better way to put it. she didnt pray for wisdom or strength.. because she knows. the lords presence is a feeling that is overwhelming and beautiful and stronger than any other earthly presence.
dealing with my mother when talking about christianity is always interesting. she is what i would call a fanatic. she takes it just that step past the line. she has great faith, but to me, she puts christians in that category of crazy people. Marie turkstra prayed that prayer for me last night. she prayed for me not as a child but as an adult. she understood that i no longer stop at the sunday school answer.. i search for more. i feel thats a step my mom will never get too. part of our argument last night was that she wants me to treat her not just like a mother, but like a fellow adult. but it didnt seem to click in her mind that she is going to have to stop treating me as a child. And i know its easier for an outsider to do this, im just really looking forward to the day.

yours truely.

so today. wow.. emotional. i've been noticing that its just getting harder and harder to put on the smiley face around my mother. so many blow ups, too many fights.. i feel like its just a marathon to the next conflict. i love my mother. because she is my mother.. but as an adult.. there is almost nothing i would go to her for. this morning after hearing about the "talk" she and my sister had i did not want to see her. then this afternoon, we had our own little blow up. it drives me crazy how she conviently forgets all the times we have fun together, and is convinced that im always rude, snobish, and selfish.. those are words that cut me so deep and she throws them at me constantly. i dont like it they hurt me, because i know its not true, and she's just looking for cheap shots.. but it does hurt. im really excited to leave.. for this vacation to be over.
my boyfriend.. he's amazing. we're planning a little vacation when i get back from sask, and i love that he's planning it out. its still amazing to me that he loves me so much, to want to spend all that time with me. and i never realized how low my mother can make me feel..
he's planning a little surprise for me too.. haha within the couple of texts he sent me explaining to me what he has planned i was smiling like goofy and even danced in the starbucks to the temptations...
crazy that a few texts can brighten my day.

two weeks of vacation

i've been asked why i havent blogged while on this trip. well.. i just havent had much to say.. which is a lie. so much has gone on i just have not had time to sit, think. breath. i have been travelling for almost a month straight now, and as much as i love it, im so exhausted. im sitting hear listening to Gladiator play in my head phones, knowing the scenes off by heart in my minds eye. im so tired, but cannot fall asleep.
so much emotion on my travels. falling in love.. with people in peru, a man at home and the ocean. its been fun talking with my sister, being silly girlies, talking about our boys. planning futures and blushing at every cute thing they say to us.
but its been tiring, listening to my mother, relive the old days. i can only take so much of her reminicing before i just want to tell her to shut it. there are some things that should just be left in the past.
emotions.. i used to hate them. why get all emotional over things? to make the experience more real? no way i would say.. i have gone through life trying to be emotionless.. trying not to get hurt anymore. my heart is so broken, scared and yet, in four days, my tiny heart has been given to a man that contradicts everything i have ever known. men who cheat, abuse and use you until they are satisfied. then cast you aside like an old doll.
my best friend knows how i am, how if any man did something cheesy or nice to me that was the end of the relationship.. or i never called them relationships... whatever they were. anyways, im shocked at how i am handling this relationship. i love the cheesy things. the cute poems and the most beautiful words every spoken to me. and i know they are true. its not just to get laid, or make the moment cute.. its a feeling that just can't be faked. i still cant believe i've found him.

i have been gone more days travelling since i've dated him than i have actually been with him.. but it doesnt matter.. it sucks, but i know that at the end of the summer he will be there.. waiting for me at the airport.. i cant wait.

finally. fresh mountain air. so many laughs, freedom and coastal sunsets. the only thing missing..

a hand to hold..
arms that hold me while swaying to the live music on the street.
a kiss infront of the most beautiful view of the ocean and mountains.
next time. next time..

can't deny Gods existence here. not possible. too much beauty. too many things that make me happy and at peace. i trust in you lord. i know you have my future in your hands. i trust you. i love you.

i love you.

its like a fairy tale. its every country song on the radio.
the cold wind rushes through us like tomorrow will never come
perfectly our fingers mesh

crazily and almost frantically i have to say good bye.
the last kiss that started an hour ago is so perfect that i've never felt happier.

i'll be here when you get back. im not going anywhere.

hee

I wish I could be poetic..
Have some great insight to the soul
To write words that change people
But im only one girl..
My poems are felt in the moments when the sun is shinning
and the wind is laughing in my face
My great insight to the soul is felt through celtic music playing in me ears
The words I write.. They mean only anything to me.
My gift isn’t in words.
Sometimes my happiness can only be seen on my face
When im so happy I twirl in a field
Or laugh at my childhood memories.
But my words.. My poem to the soul..
Just come with me on a walk..
Im sure you’ll laugh too.

walking around my neighborhood, with celtic music blasting in my ears, the cold wind sweeping right through my layers, and the sun shimmering off my sunglasses.. what is better than that feeling?
i walked through my grade schools play ground, and laughed at the "hill" i used to be afraid to run down too fast.. all the bad memories i harboured from that school are gone. i walked slowly through the field and twirled in the sun and wind. why hold on? im moving on.. i'm going on adventures and seeing the world God created. what could make me happier? someone to share it with.. maybe.. but then again.. silence.. no words just sounds the wind makes through the grass.. can't be replaced.
i always knew i would go and see the world.. didnt know how it was going to happen but i was going to make sure i did it. im doing it! God is sending me on a wild adventure that is crossing more than just land and sea.. its an adventure of trust in him. to know that where im going is where he wants me to be. that the people im leaving here will still be here when i come back. what better way to be tested than to be thrown out of your comfort zone? lord test me! i'm willing to go wherever you lead me. im excited!

the heart

the gift was meant not to be sheltered
But given with care and caution
To never feel or share such love does drain ones soul dry
And wither it with age
But a lesson we all must learn
Not to just give with caution but also to receive
For if the time comes, a life you do hold in the balance
You decide joy or pain, laughter or tears,
life or death.
For nurturing such a thing can lead to a life long love
And still neglect of such a gift, can edge someone off the fragile balance of life
So go forth in life, not as to hide away in the shadows,
But to be open and willing to share your gift
with those who are deserving
And guard it from those who cause it pain and hurt
those who leave as but a broken glass.

touche james, touche.

calmer of the storm

When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.

CHORUS:

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &

There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

Great are you

How I love Your works
My God, My King
How I love Your works
My God, My King

Your Name rings on the plains
Like a not so distant train
And Love and history are near
In the flowers that you make
The flowers that you make

CHORUS

Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are you

How I love Your Word
My God, My King
How I love Your Word
My God, My King

Your love cuts through these pages to my heart
As you grieve our sins, right from the start
And sacrifice and paradise are in
The plans that you made, The plans that you made

amazing

i am going to miss small group. tonight was amazing.
its always hard for me to open up too people. to admit im weak. to admit that.. ya my family is messed and im tired of being the one holding them together but i always will because they are my family.
tonight was a chill night that ended up being one really long intense prayer circle. it was what i needed. after the easter weekend, i was so angry at jesus for bringing me back into the middle of this families problems that i didnt even want to pray or read my bible. i was just angry. tonight i asked for prayer over my family, and over the missions trip. I spent two years in toronto being immersed in the culture and man did i ever change. some for the good and some for the not soo good. I want this missions trip to be my life shock. to zap me back into the person i am.. who i want to be and especially who god wants me to be. i was a little worried how that was going to happen.. not working with children or having to really share the gospel. but i prayed for a movement. and i felt gods spirit.. its been a while but i remember why i love him so much.
i understand why i love all these people. girls who are insecure in their appearance, who have problems with their fathers, guys who are looking for jobs, or just direction. im not alone in my struggles and i dont share all these struggles but God is pointing out to me the things that i need to communicate love over.
tonight.. just amazing. i love God.

no tv. no movies.. well i failed. but i definitely have not been watching as much. im back to learning new songs on the guitar and i've been baking my butt off.
i have.. i think.. pretty much everything for peru. i still need prescriptions, travellers medical insurance. but otherwise im set! yea!! its soo close! my life changing travels are beginning! its a marathon starting April 27~ heehee

to a world that is filled with adds and tv shows and million dollar sessions on fixing yourself, it amazing to find that nothing ever gets fixed because nothing is ever told. everything will remain the same until what is really going on in a persons life is confronted out loud. my family dynamics will never change because we are too busy trying to keep peace within our lies to be able to say the truth to create real peace.

im tired of going back to square one. im tired of these walls that i have. im tired of having to build them back up. im tired of lying to keep the peace and im tired of the picture perfect appearance.
im tired of pretending its ok. im exhausted.
im tired of going from one parent to the other for different reasons but none telling the truth too.
im tired of getting hurt, im tired of seeing my loves getting hurt.

im tired of trying to heal a sore that just wont heal. time and time and more time. im just tired.
im tired of finding my true self. then having to push it back to build the walls to protect my tired and weak heart.
im tired of being strong. and most of all im tired of feeling so tired.. again.

my story

everything can be taken away, the only thing you own is your story. I try to make mine as interesting as possible.

so today started out terribly. i got home last night around 3am. slept until the phone startled me awake at 11. i got up and showered last nights grossness off and went to check my bank statment.. seems like my old landlords are cashing checks left right and center. money i dont have. they are not listening to me and i cant do anything about. im more broke than ever and i didnt know what to do. i emailed my landlords. called the bank to make sure there was nothing i could do. it was pretty much useless. my mom drove me crazy with her laughing at me look.

so after calming down a little i decided to read my bible.. im getting better at that.. anyways i turned to two random pages. and both were stories or examples of what i needed to hear. ask for guidance from the lord, and look at these men with great faith. they trusted in the lord to guide them to what they could not see, and they died with faith even though the promise to them they were not alive to see.

faith in the lord emily. i cant see the future but he has it all planned out. faith. and ask for guidance in the lord when i just dont know what to do.

the power of prayer

last night at small groups, niki shared a story about the modern day miracles.. but for me it was about the power of prayer.
it didnt seem like a big thing to me at the time but its been constantly on my mind this week. Deb, my peru team leader, said that she did not know of any people praying for her.. it shocked my mom to hear this. i didnt really think of it as that important. But this week i really feel that Deb needs our prayers. she is one really amazing woman. to be able to organize the mission, to deal with all 12 of us, money is always an issue. I think its amazing how strong she is, but to not have a group of people praying for her.. its almost wrong. i forget the exact quote but its something like behind all great men, there is a group of people praying for them. something like that.
its on my heart that this week we pray for Deb. for her family. for her work. for her strength as things are getting to their dead lines. For her spiritual strength, for her health. just everything.

go for the walk.

hah! i knew it would snow one last time.. a farewell to the Canadian winter before spring can be full-time. dont curse it! go outside! lift your face to the skies and let the snow flakes land softly on your face. its the last time for another 6 months. feel the cold against your cheeks and breathe in deep. watch your breath as you exhale. love it! smiles and dance in the slight breeze. you have plenty of partners dancing around you. you are not alone today.

go for the walk.

kno what you gotta do when life gets you down?!

get busy living, or get busy dying.

haha life is crazy! god is crazy! god gives you this overwhelming feeling to serve him so you follow. you take the plunge. than! your life slowly just falls apart.. piece by piece. even the mission to serve god seems to be crushed by a wave.
then, you land ashore! and the mission is going faster and stronger than ever!
life soon follows.

its crazy. you set a fool proof plan for your life. than BAM! God shuts it down and says. uh un. i dont think so.. not that way.. this way. my way. and you cry and scream and you puke from the stress of the un known. than a little piece comes into place, and you stop crying. you stop screaming. and then another piece comes into place.. lol God is crazy. he wants my life to be crazy and adventurous and fun. he told me not to get caught up in the money. dont get caught up in the scene. do what you always wanted to do. leave the city. leave the past. find the future while living in the now. be adventurous. be scared. test the unknown. life is good. life is full and wonderful. being rich doesnt bring happiness. having money may make life smoother... but then who doesnt want to live on the wild side?! lol time and time again. haha the lord saves me from the world of money. reminds me of what my heart wants to do, and says go! do it! and tell me all about it along the way.

ps i love you.

to where.

i've been trying to find my way back home.

alone. in a field. surrounded by colours.

a breeze. warm and strong. blowing me over.

i want to scream. louder than ever.
"what now? where do i go? i don't know what to do!"

i scream until i cry. fall on my knees. feel the grass between my fingers.

i cry until it hurts my throat. i don't know where to go.



lying on my back. wind sweeping the tears across my face.
i cough choking on my own tears. deep breaths.

deep breaths. close my eyes.

alone. a blanket of wind. a bed of grass. a home of hills.

i stand. crying. fearful. weak. open my arms.

heaven is a wonderful place.. filled with glory and grace

so heritage has a bible study. and tonight the discussion was if there was no heaven would you still be a christian? my first response was basically no.. that i would follow the moral guide lines of Christianity but i could not see myself worshiping jesus who would be then just a man. the next question was what is heaven to you. we all described our peaceful waterfall, soothing grass hills and lots of flowers (it was mainly girls tonight). Jared who was leading the discussion than said, wouldnt you get bored if all heaven was, was that. heaven should be thought of not as a home.. but as meeting in person, the one we on earth have learned to love. Jesus, God. heaven is getting to know them even more and learning even more about them. imagine those moments when you feel Gods presence.. its overwhelming, it makes you want to cry and laugh and jump around hug and sing and run and scream.. now imagine meeting that person face to face.. that is heaven.

it made me think about how shallow i was. my first response. i thought about it in such an earthly secular way. and now after this talk i was relieved. on earth all i worry about is where im going to go, where i need to live. heaven to me was just another place to worry about. am i going to make it, will i have rest.. what is the cost? not that its any less scary, but its scary in a different way now.. if i am so in love with Christ, i would do anything, anything to be with Christ forever. Christianity is sometimes sold to unbelievers by asking whether they want to get to heaven.. or go to hell. that is not the point of our faith. it should not be our selling point.

it was a good discussion.. think about it.

the now part

life is complicated.. and it gets more complicated the older you become. great incentive to grow up eh? i had an interesting talk with my brother the other day. i realized that eveytime i think i have a solid plan... haha the lord changes my direction completely. and all of a sudden im forced back into the world of the unknown. i get depressed in the unknown. its exciting once i realize that the unknown is leading me to where ever.. but the now part.. the i have no freakin idea what im going to do with my life part.. it sucks.

be present. aparentely the two most profound words. live in the now. as discussed in last weeks bs group christians it seems have one major fault among younger generation christians.. they dont live in the now.. they live for the future.. always concentrating on the end. our generation wants to live in the present, in the day.. in the hour, in the seconds. concentrate on the seconds in a day and dont let life pass by you as you look towards the light.. the light will always be shinning on you.. no sense staring at it and going blind to everything around you.

is it everything.. is there anything

family. love. true love. being happy. trust. loyalty. understanding. experiences. loneliness. broken hearts. joy. truth. freedom. alone. honesty. peace. strength. weaknesses. hopelessness. hope. light and darkness. comfort.

really?? like really?

so im jobless. money is pretty much non existent. and im going on a missions trip. i want to go. i thought i had made the first step.. turns out my first step got lost somewhere.. now im not really.. really even commited. no commitment to this mission. i really want to go.. is it reasonable? no. Does it have to be? maybe.. is going on the missions trip really what i am supposed to be doing? with everything going on.. with different influential voices saying different things.. i dont know where to go.. what to do.. should i move back home and save money? i might kill myself doing it. should i move to waterloo and just work? should i stay in toronto? live with my best friend? should i just leave everything and everyone and find myself somewhere out there? ah.. like that works.. toronto didnt seem too. i dont know wat to do. no idea.

just live your life

no regrets, no looking back.

bad things happen to good people.. bad things happen to bad people. its not a question of morals, its a question of existence. war= creation. live in the moment or plan for the future.

the truth will set you free

i think im messed up.
i told my mom the truth.. im unemployed, broke and really unsure of my future.
i was crying because she was yelling and i was super tired and hungover.
then she tried to comfort me in the way that mothers should but all i wanted to do was shove her away.. she has never been there in my life.. never earned that trust of letting someone hold you while you are helpless.. am i a terrible person? i hide my feelings pretty well.. always have. i stand by my decision that emotions are for the weak.. but when mind power cant stop me from crying.. there are only two people i would ever want by my side... my two best friends... one i grew up with, and the other who's family raised me. i dont feel guilty and maybe i should for feeling that my mom is taking up the mom card a little late in life.. i dont know.
but i like that im not lying to her any more about my living situation.. lying hurts me just as much as it hurts her.. things like that i dont really want to hide from her... other things.. well its reserved for the best friends circle.

with all the lies,
the distant truths

with all my deceiving and being deceived,
my lack of trust and confidence in others when the subject is me..

i miss the connections
the small things..

i grew up a liar,
and will probably always lie..

the truth is hidden in my blackened heart.
so deep, that its lost to me.

lost. but not alone.
surrounded by notes of love, comfort, and laughs

the light is blinding to look at.. but its exactly what i look for.

a love story

the look he gives as he looks into her eyes,
she stares into the comfort of there warm light.

he beams,
her innocence and beauty, his angel.

he's afraid if he holds her any tighter he'll crush her,
she longs to be smothered in his chest, to smell his skin and treasure it for always.

she blushes as he walks through the door,
his smile, his eyes.
he smiles, lost in her eyes
he only wants her in this world.

its a love story.

admitting the truth
its not the easy
apologizing for the past
reliving the past to realize when asking for forgiveness is needed

admitting the truth
moving on, growing
forgiving, being forgiven
crying, hurting, screaming and healing

letting people in on the big secret
the secret that made you, you
the secret you hide from the world because its not you
a secret that can strengthen or destroy a relationship

trust and truth
accepting and loving
growing up and taking on responsibility.
the unfairness of life.
a childhood stolen, pureness and innocence taken away.

forgiveness.
happiness.
trusting.
loving.
life.

when you say you love me,
the world goes still, so still inside.
when you say you love me,
for a moment i know why i am alive.

and we can fly, fly, fly, fly away
cuz you are not alone, and i am there with you
and we'll get lost together, till the light comes pouring through
cuz when you feel like your done and the darkness has won,
baby your not lost

im gonna turn myself into the grass and i'll grow
take this space above my head, im livin it a little
i'm gonna wear my feather head dress like an Indian chief
i'm gonna stretch out both my arms, i'm gonna test the temperature.

my bubble

so my bubble is broken!! i have a room mate! boo! i got soo used to living by myself.. this sucks. im not even sure how to act now. lol can i still sit in the living room?do i have to.. i dunno... do something different now.. i cannot wait to live by myself. this is so depressing. i was hoping he would be gone alot, but he said he is staying for good now. boo.. this is me crying. now i have to hide in my own place where i live now.
or i could be social.. ya.. no thanks.. i hate people. lol.

the world i live in

i am all about not seeing what is infront of me. i like to look beyond what is walking by me and look into the air and see the birds, the reflection of trees in the tall glass buildings and the wind sweeping up the beautiful people hustling by. i know that there are homeless, abused and abusers on every corner, and i feel for them. i loved volunteering to help them. but my world. my own personal space.. its not reality. its reality on steroids- making some things larger then they should be and some smaller than they ought to be. i always say i dont judge. i judge, and worst of all i judge at face value and sometimes don't even give that person a chance. men, in my life... they dont really even get a chance. i have never really given them a chance to prove themselves different. at face value, i see guys as asses, or in some cases pieces of ass. i know its vulgar and sooo not right, but i do. i watch shows on tv where men cheat, sleep around and very few are steady in any relationship. then i look at my life and the men i know, cheat, sleep around and are not very steady in relationships. i started watching MAD MEN which is a show i usually enjoy, but tonight.. no.. not tonight. i am sick of seeing men make stupid decisions based souly on their carrot and potatoes (that would be my cooking ref. today)
it never bothered me before.. or not enough to make me stop watching tv. lol
i am lucky to see some of the most beautiful women grow up, make decisions good or bad, learn from them and become the most elegantly gentile and gorgeous women. the one thing that ruins us all, is unfaithfulness in the one we love most. why is it that women can give they're whole selves and men still dont get it?

wow.. ok.. my vent is over. i hate men. lol they make things so much worse yet so much better.

paint

i dont know what it is about classical things. classical dress, classical music, classical design.
it plays with emotions in my heart. the music relaxes and yet energizes me. giving me inspiration to do better things, see everything and not let anything stop me. it plays the strings to my creative heart and i finally let the sound echo into my mind. the notes make me want to paint the most beautiful sunset, each key inspiring me to see a sunrise. i close my eyes, and i feel the cool wind hug around me, in the dark i imagine being alone, wandering through my enchanted forest. rays of light streaming down like rain. my soundtrack to life, is this. violins in the wind, cello in the trees, piano in the grass and birds in the air.

change

i never thought i took change difficultly. i always am excited for new experiences. but looking back i realize i am terrible with change. i freeze. unable to think, move, respond. i feel isolated and helpless. every big change takes me awhile to move into, and once i do im always happy. i wish i could say it was because i was thinking intensely about it, but its just me being a coward. hm. i have a lot of weaknesses in my life, and i thought i could label them all... maybe the reason i hate growing up is because i discover how deep my weakness go. how much they affect my life and those around me.

i am alone in this world. my family is spread apart and detached. unable to lovingly communicate with each other. i have never felt more alone since my brother has moved thousands of miles away. he is my blood, the only blood that i love more than anything in the world. what he does, what says, how he chooses to live.. makes me more proud than anything i could ever do for myself.
and i know steph that you are reading this, and i have definitely not forgotten you. you are my sister but right now, i feel more estranged from you than i ever have. you have your own family. you are more happy than i have ever seen you when you are with them. and that makes me so happy because i love you so much. but i am hurt and sad that me and alex never gave you that joy growing up. you have your own family, and its hard for me to see it, im jealous, im sad, im happy... i suck with change. i can act like the strongest person in the world.. and sometimes my acting fools even me for awhile.. but now im alone, with parents i can't talk too and dont really like visiting, no brother to laugh with about it. everything is on me.. i suck with change.

you have me believin i dont always have to be alone

this christmas has been the most stressful holiday i have ever been through. it started with a funeral, to a grandmother i never really knew. i went to be a support to my step mother. i told her i was happy to be there for her. i wonder if that was true. im finding it really hard to love the adults in my family. with my brother leaving, my sister so far away, im feeling more alone then ever. Over christmas some events took place that i have never been more afraid to admit or more ashamed to admit. i wonder how in the world i could have let something like that happen. how if anyone found out, i would be outcasted, and i wouldnt blame anyone for doing it. my life is so full of things i regret. i have a friend who said that life should be about new opportunities, not the regrets of the past. i wish i was able to do that. at 19 i have done so many things in my life i wish i hadnt. i have never believed in generational sin.. now im not so sure. my actions over christmas were the strongest reflection of my family's past, that it scared me.
with everyone moving on, including me, im scared for my future, and yet have never been more excited. i never thought that my brother leaving would be so hard. not even once.. i was just overly excited for my brother to go and travel.. for him to do the things he loves. now im looking at my life wondering if i will do the things i love to do. being in toronto has changed who i am. and now that im done school, i want to do the things i love to do again. play guitar.. sing, go for long walks, start working out. but my enthusiasm to do all that is in writing.. and thats as far as i fear it is going to go. life is so exhausting sometimes.