blogging is not the hot thing any more.. thank goodness. because i need to write my thoughts without being afraid of who might see them.

married life, it doesnt feel much different than before. sure we fight about the dishes, the laundry and bills, but we were doing that before too.

im pregnant so my hormones are off the charts ridiculous! i get irritated by everyone around me so easily. the constant talking and talking over, little side swipes that are harmless but push me off the edge.

i've never felt more poor than i do now. or since i started dating/married life. im terrified of how poor we will be when this baby gets here.

ive realized all family drama is the same, no matter what family you attach yourself too or legally bound yourself too.. they always look at you as young and foolish, we will never live up to their expectations, and little things that we honestly just forgot are enough to shun you out.

im tired of this battle for the parents. im tired of the drama they create.

im terrified of the talks i am going to have with my parents.. each set about the rules surrounding my child. i hate what i hear from each of them and if i can sheild my child from their hatred they spread, i feel that i will save him/her so much future pain.

with each new day, a new hurt opens its wings. a thing so small and beautiful, so innocent and trusting... turns adults into fighting animals, marking territory.

it may be my hormones but my mind and heart cant take soo much emotional stress to go along with physical exhaustion and general stress of when it rains.. it pours.

struggles are what keeps us growing stronger.. right?

im sitting here.. doing nothing, on a regular basis, because my full time job is giving me part time hours and my energy to do something with my boredom seems so far fetched. so much is happening and yet i feel like im standing still. stuck in a time warp. i blink and i feel like its been years but its not even been a minute. im so tired.. my entire future is changing and i feel lost and abandoned by my own self. searching for who i was before my life became a mess of mistakes.. too bad my memories only start when i was old enough to make mistakes.

i feel like im in a constant state of being judged.. and now.. there is no way i can get out of that.. ever. im comparing myself to the other relationships i admire or relationship i dont so much admire, but it seems they all got it right.. how is it possible to find the perfect man, yet still mess it up?

find a hobby.. thats the advice i've been told about marriage.. find a hobby.

with two people who so much like to be individuals.. are stubborn and competitive.. but love eachother... im afraid of what marriage will do to me... what becoming a mother will do to me.

ps i miss you.. thats all it takes for me to forget everything i just wrote and was feeling.

im way over my head.

every little thing i dreamed that i could ever be just slips away like water through my hands.

sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.

life is a box of chocolates, you never know what your gunna get.

when life gets you down, know what you gotta do? just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..

no body knows the troubles i've seen, nooo body knows my sorrows..

I want the truth!
you cant handle the truth!

may be true, but i would still appreciate not have a mental break down everytime i see my parents and have to be re-introduced to their truths about eachother... to realize that all my childhood was a lie. tell me the truth i may have hated you then when you did.. but isnt that better than me hating you now, after you didnt...

so many questions, so many lies.. when a liar tells you the truth.. can you believe him?
no trust.

pretty awesome feeling im having right now.
with so many goals, so much commitment.. and actually starting to follow through.. its pretty awesome! starting a series on prayer.. what better way to start? memorizing verses.. getting over an addiction, putting priorities first.. organizing financing's... organizing my life!.. its so much but i've never been more excited and ready for this. its an awesome time! a beautiful time. how awesome is god??

a sick day.. feeling like im always an inconvience to the people around me... feeling like i need to punish myself for something i did.. i have no idea what i did.. but im punishing myself for it anyways.
im a little jealous.. a little worried.. that you have a need for your parents approval... for them to know how work was.. is more important than for me to know how your day at work was... im definitely jealous.