is it everything.. is there anything

family. love. true love. being happy. trust. loyalty. understanding. experiences. loneliness. broken hearts. joy. truth. freedom. alone. honesty. peace. strength. weaknesses. hopelessness. hope. light and darkness. comfort.

really?? like really?

so im jobless. money is pretty much non existent. and im going on a missions trip. i want to go. i thought i had made the first step.. turns out my first step got lost somewhere.. now im not really.. really even commited. no commitment to this mission. i really want to go.. is it reasonable? no. Does it have to be? maybe.. is going on the missions trip really what i am supposed to be doing? with everything going on.. with different influential voices saying different things.. i dont know where to go.. what to do.. should i move back home and save money? i might kill myself doing it. should i move to waterloo and just work? should i stay in toronto? live with my best friend? should i just leave everything and everyone and find myself somewhere out there? ah.. like that works.. toronto didnt seem too. i dont know wat to do. no idea.

just live your life

no regrets, no looking back.

bad things happen to good people.. bad things happen to bad people. its not a question of morals, its a question of existence. war= creation. live in the moment or plan for the future.

the truth will set you free

i think im messed up.
i told my mom the truth.. im unemployed, broke and really unsure of my future.
i was crying because she was yelling and i was super tired and hungover.
then she tried to comfort me in the way that mothers should but all i wanted to do was shove her away.. she has never been there in my life.. never earned that trust of letting someone hold you while you are helpless.. am i a terrible person? i hide my feelings pretty well.. always have. i stand by my decision that emotions are for the weak.. but when mind power cant stop me from crying.. there are only two people i would ever want by my side... my two best friends... one i grew up with, and the other who's family raised me. i dont feel guilty and maybe i should for feeling that my mom is taking up the mom card a little late in life.. i dont know.
but i like that im not lying to her any more about my living situation.. lying hurts me just as much as it hurts her.. things like that i dont really want to hide from her... other things.. well its reserved for the best friends circle.

with all the lies,
the distant truths

with all my deceiving and being deceived,
my lack of trust and confidence in others when the subject is me..

i miss the connections
the small things..

i grew up a liar,
and will probably always lie..

the truth is hidden in my blackened heart.
so deep, that its lost to me.

lost. but not alone.
surrounded by notes of love, comfort, and laughs

the light is blinding to look at.. but its exactly what i look for.

a love story

the look he gives as he looks into her eyes,
she stares into the comfort of there warm light.

he beams,
her innocence and beauty, his angel.

he's afraid if he holds her any tighter he'll crush her,
she longs to be smothered in his chest, to smell his skin and treasure it for always.

she blushes as he walks through the door,
his smile, his eyes.
he smiles, lost in her eyes
he only wants her in this world.

its a love story.