a stepford date

looking on my past and present relationship i have realized that as much as i love companionship, my relationships with people is timed. whether a boyfriend that i know i will dump in the next month or week, a lover that i know is leaving, or friends that i spend a max time of a day or two together before we separate for an undisclosed amount of time. why is it that every relationship is like a ticking bomb, that will explode if we spend too much time together. i am horrible at keeping connections. my best of friends are the people who i dont have to worry about the fact i havent talked to them for months or even a year and yet when i see them its like we were never apart. is it weird? unnatural? am i more messed up than i at first thought?

i have always wondered if i could be the marrying type. i like companionship. but living with a man that i love (which i am completely unaware of the meaning) for the rest of my life.!! ah!
and how will it happen?? where will we meet? will i be horribly depressed if i never meet him? i have always said i didnt care whether i get married or not.. i wonder if those are my true feelings.. everyone says to marry your best friend, but i dont talk to my best friends for weeks on end.. i dont think thats the best advice for me. with all the literature out there about meeting your mister right, no wonder women are so messed up.. instead of being yourself, you're being a text book woman.. a stepford date of the year two thousand and whatever of the book having been published. it's really bizarre.

the first snow

i had forgotten that i love the winter. walking around today, freezing cold hands, red cheeks, taking a deep breath of cold air as the wind sings right through my heart and puts a smile on my face. i was giddy and refreshed.

nothing is like a walk through a city, bustling with people in winter coats and scarves, dead leaves sweeping across the sidewalk, everyone scurrying into the nearest cafe for anything to warm their cold hands.

a winter wonderland. the first snow is cleansing. i can't wait.

before i said amen

have you ever danced in a room full of people?
have you ever danced by yourself in a room full of people?

have you ever felt like the music just wasnt playing?

feeling alone in a room of strangers isnt a weird thing.. the weird thing is why you are there in the first place.

why so different

why is it that a moon looks different when its between trees?

why does it not shine as brightly when surrounded by houses and electrical wires frame its glow?

a freedom of cold winds and red leaves brings the moon alive

a suffocation of cars and street lights keep the moon at a distance.

so close to the touch and warm in its glow yet so easily covered and shamed

it frowns at me and i smile, it smiles at me and i laugh, it winks at me and i feel like im the only one in the world...
then i remember...

everyone sees this same moon.. share it emily, let others know the beauty..
the moon is everyones... no matter where... its warmth reaches to their cheeks, whether its a cold breeze or a warm rain... even hidden, the moon is frowning, and smiling and winking, to you.

hot n cold

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you over think
Always speak
Crypticly

I should know
That you're no good for me

{CHORUS}
Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(you)You don't really want to stay, no
(but you)But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh bout nothing
Now your plain boring

I should know that
You're not gonna change

{CHORUS}

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride


You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Katy Perry


haha this is my new song.. thought i would share it

giggling emily

its our godforsaken right to be loved, loved, loved

so today im feeling much less moody, im sitting hear listening to jason mraz on youtube and its amazing how the music you listen too and watch effects your mood.

i watched a video and laughed... the laugh i so sorely needed to laugh yesterday.

i needed to do things that make me smile. i needed to remember what i used to do when i wasnt working full time and in school full time. a time when i had time to be me.

this morning i cleaned and listened to music blaring in my ears and i love doing that. call me weird but listening to music while using your hands to do something productive! its my happy time.
i love rhythm in my life. i needed rhythm to set me on the pace to get things done.

heehee

ready to gamble

its been too many weeks of doing nothing. i arrived back from France with hopes of new adventures, new jobs and a new and exciting future ahead of me. after four weeks, im still not working, i have had very minimal adventures, and my future is looking as dull as toronto pavement.
with my family moving on, my friends far away, and nothing to do but watch sex and the city or go shopping, im tired of my life.

i want to change it. but in order to start working i need to get forms, that i cant get until next week.
my life it seems is being put on a perpetual hold, of waiting for someone else.

last night i was told that all women who work in a kitchen are crazy, and that i can be the biggest bitch, i was literally bashed to the core of my strength by my brother, and then later i was put on hold by a man i dont even know.
Im tired. Im lonely, and all i really want is to laugh. but real laughing. i've been doing a lot of the fake laughing, to the point i dont really remember wat its like to really laugh. The laugh that hurts your stomach and still makes you giggle days later.

why is life so filled with people who put you on hold? and is it wrong that i let them? is it something that i should just accept? but im tired of being put on hold. im tired of letting men think that they can put me on hold and then use me when its right for them. this man im on hold for lives on the otherside of the country and still he manages to think im stealing his space. is it possible? is it wrong to think that if two people like eachother its natural to talk to them at least once a day, even just to say hi? am i being too neady? i watch people around me and i wonder how they made it? am i really the bitch who is going to swear men off except for a good time? is companionship a thing of the past or a thing of the future? and how is it that in new york of canada aka toronto, that im sitting in my room all day avoiding the last days of sunshine and getting lost in some made up life on my computer screen.