the summer melodies

so, now that its supposed to be 10 degrees and higher this week, i have started listening to my favourite patio artist. JACK JOHNSON
his music is fun, sensitive and Caribbean ish.. you just cant go wrong!! "wisdoms in the trees not the glass windows" just brilliant!
thats from the song Breakdown. talking about we pass life without stopping and looking around, without making memories and meeting different people with the hopes of being friends.
i'm not really in the share my soul mood right now, but, it is a good topic. and my next post will definitely carry it on.

sunday mornings

its another Sunday, another day of rest.
the wind is strongly thrashing around the tree outside my window
its whipped movements almost look like the tree is excited that the spring winds are here
the sun on its bark is giving a soft glow to its body as it dances in its rays.
and when the wind dies i feel as if it is sad... it wants to play for longer in this game of spring.

yesterday i went for a walk around Toronto to bask in as much sunlight as possible. it wasn't really warm but in the sun i was toasty. after 3 hours of walking around, we decided that our faces were frozen into place and it was time to head home.
i think that spring in the city is much more enjoyable than in the country. I usually hate spring, its wet, the world is still blah. but in the city there's not much colour anyways, so spring is just sunlight! its beautiful and everyone in Toronto wants to be basking it in. and they are.

my sister is being blessed off by her church. she's going on a missions trip this week to peru. i miss her already. its going to be a long time before i see her again.
i wish her safety over all things.
i wish her love for the country, love for the children she meets,
love for the people she works with
and that all this love comes through Christ, her back bone cross that keeps her strongly pressing forward into the unknown and into knowing.
i love you with all my heart.

with love, forever.

a new day, a new stress, a new adventure.
A new time limit to the day,
a new stress to a new day
and the unsuspecting new adventure that makes every day worth getting out of bed for.

i have two interviews today, one for my future home and the other for my future schooling.
if there's anything i hate talking about its my future. with so many uncertainties i find it very stressful. i like to be in the moment all the time if i can, but everyone wants to know your future and not having an idea is more stressful than having an incomplete one. So with my incomplete and unsure future i move forward.

bababbaba bah bah bah bah bah

i think the string instruments are the most beautiful sounds in the morning classical music.

after an amazing sleep, almost all of my first coffee of the day down

a couple of yoga stretches and no sign of daylight outside, i have time to reflect on the day just passed and the just ahead.

yesterday was so amazing outside, the sunrise was beautiful, the temperature was springing into everyones step and everyone was walking! i walked home in the sun, smiling and enjoying the people out and about, opened my window in my room and enjoyed the fresh air for a while.

i was about to start talking about today, but i have decided against it. the troubles of today are too near to start talking about early.

i've turned up my music and try to get lost in the emotions of classical sound.

the beginning of a new day, a new time- a new start?

"everyday is like a new slate- clean with no mistakes on it... yet" i think thats from Anne of Green Gables*

starting my morning off with classical music and yoga. trying to relax my thoughts, my mind-body and soul. uniting myself with calming music and soothing breathing- slow concentrated and even.

the sun is rising, a pale blue sky is reflected on the buildings bringing a fresh glow into my room.

the clock bounces from 7 08 to 7 09 and above.

i stare out my window and think that there is a little yellow reflecting among the blue.

hope

hope for a beautiful new day

hope

it is fading already with thoughts of my day ahead

the clean slate is smudged with thoughts.

the smooth surface seems rough and rocky for today.

maybe hope for tomarrow...

to the hearts all over the world tonight

its amazing the things that come out to different people. some people have two faces.. i have a million. i can be so many different emily's for different people. is it weird that i feel that i fit all these different faces?
i'm i confused, lost and unsure of myself. i thought so for awhile and it was hard. trying to find out who you really are when every different face is soo you. why do i have to be only one person? who am i the most comfortable being? i'm comfortable with whoever or whatever face i am, depending on who i am with. it just sounds so wrong but thats really how it is. i guess that makes me a people pleaser doesnt it? i guess i am. i've always had to be. with my family deciding im the person to complain about everyone else to, i've had to be so many different faces. i'm not angry about that, it happened and i became very educated about my amazingly dysfunctional family, thats nothing to get angry about. at times i just wanted to hear silence from all lips in my family, but than again, either they all trust me, or i'm the only one who puts up with their gossip.
i think that and my childhood experiences have taught me all my different faces. of course though all my faces break down if im mad into one angry face. that one is always the same.

but it seems that people respect those most who are themselves.. those who dont have different faces to different people.
but after growing with all these different faces, its really hard to just be one, especially when you cant pick just one. i remember that year of trying to figure out my one true face, and it was hell. i felt guilty when i did something outside this one face. so why cant i just accept that i am all these faces and i just know what to talk about and share with some people and what not to share with others? is that wrong? should i just always be and say everything to everyone no matter?

like i love to party, and i love the city, but i also love playing board games and going for walks in the woods. when i'm with my city friends who hate trees and fresh air, i just dont talk about it with them. they wont care so why waste that time?
on more personal level, i dont go around telling all my friends that i have a gay brother who i hate and dont talk to. i find that alot of people dont want to hear about the mess ups in life... not unless they can laugh at it. so maybe these different faces arent faces at all.. i just choose to show them one part of me at a time. maybe..

the classical era

so about two.. three days ago, i downloaded the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack.. well what i could find of it. the music is all classical songs, some a little bit cheery but most sombre. i love it, i walk to school listening to it and especially this morning, it is so beautiful to walk to. its like a personal sound track to your own life movie. how many people do you see walking down a side walk on a busy toronto street at 7 in the morning.. smiling. well i did this morning. it was beautiful outside. my lack of sleep for the past two days doesnt make me uber tired or at least i dont think about it when i'm having a really good morning soundtrack to start off my day.

alot of people have told me to listen to worship music in the morning, and i did for awhile but it was just music. normal music. in the morning words are words and i dont listen to them. i dont listen to myself think in the morning, how could i listen to someone else think?
so i listen to classical, and its so beautiful. i suggest it to those early risers. early counts as something before 7am. its an amazing mood setter.

i was taking the subway a couple mornings ago and i was listening to my classical music on my ipod loud.. to drown out the sound of the subway, and i received numerous looks and smiles. one lady actually moved to sit beside me. classical music may be old school to some people, but no one can deny that it can play in everyones heart.

i wish i could attach music to this blog.
Beethoven andante in F major. look it up, its beautiful

alone? lonely? HECK NO!

just in response to my favourite sisters comment, i am not lonely. and right now i have never felt so perfectly ok to be without a guy in my life. family (brother and sister) and friends are filling my relationship wants.
alone and lonely? thats a sad life. i may be single or alone but i am in no way lonely. of course i have my times of complete loneliness and i have no idea why that comes, but my life is not lonely.

besides that fact, i just finished my first restaurant experience!!! yea! sure it was the school restaurant, but i had an amazing time! i was chef today! so basically i helped the people in the shits, and set up plates, made sure everyone had the ingredients they needed. it was pretty slack, but the end plating was awesome and everything minus the mystery soup tasted fabulous!

im all sweaty and gross and walked home in the dark with creepy homeless men making cat calls.. luckily my ipod DOES turn up louder.. lol

sex and the city addiction

so after three days of coming home from school, watching sex and the city and then starting homework at an insanely awful hour, seems to resonate a single thought. to boyfriend or not to boyfriend? haha, yes, I'm trying to be carrie bradshaw for a post. but seriously being in a very long phase of no commitment just fun, no pain just easy attention takes its toll. Romance is something that i love, i love it in movies, i love it books, i love it music! i see it everything, i may hate PDA, but in every situation i happen to be in, i find myself thinking of romantic atmospheres. I'm not necessarily picturing a man in my romantic scene but i do view everything (at times) in a romantic light. i wonder if i'm the only one? does every girls romantic scenes involve a guy? is it weird that mine dont? at the beginning of Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth is walking in a field reading a book as the sunrises. to me that would be the most romantic setting and i cannot wait to experience it. Sure romance with a guy is just if not more beautiful, but thinking that that's all there is in a romantic life? Being in the big city i thought i would get tired of it and sure, i love to escape to my sister's country farm house every once in a while, but the city this morning walking to school was so beautiful. the crisp air, chilling wind and the sun slowly coming up to the left of me, its my favourite walk of the day. My best view of the city used to be coming into it on the highway at sunset. the sun reflecting in the buildings is so beautiful, but sunrise in the middle of down town Toronto; staring up at the sky framed by buildings is surprisingly freeing. Dundas Square when it's snowing ... you couldn't pick a more breath taking spot for a single dreamer like me. I love the country, anyone could tell you that. and i knew i would also love the city, I may get tired of it and take a break in the country, which luckily isn't too much of an obstacle for me, but the city has a charm that the country cant grasp.
Ever feeling alone and in need of company of a guy, is usually the time i decide to go out of the city and a good dose of fresh air, trees and land.. always cures me. The end scene of Pride and Prejudice is also my fantasy. that kind of romance is so pure that i want to believe that one day it will happen to me, but the reality that every other person in this world is trudging through my young mind, is that, that is a movie, and only a movie. true romance does not exist, and eventually you either marry someone that makes you laugh, or you dont marry at all and you join the prestigious elites that roam most of the city, and believe that life is what it is, romance is not life, its words that can't support.
Romance: a definition is required...

fall in droplets

so I'm just sitting here, listening to Colbie Calliat and reading my sisters blogs and it seems loneliness is a topic that everyone is trying to figure out. in the song paint it golden you hear a thunderstorm in the background and to me that would be a good lonely. i love watching and listening to thunderstorms and rain alone. being alone with natural beauty is not lonely to me, although at times the rain does not seem so romantic to me and i feel more lonely than ever in the rain. loneliness is an odd emotion. It tears me down so far into a depression but because i firmly believe that crying solves nothing there seems to be no hope of alleviating my loneliness. Even praying seems to me so hopeless. "and the world it seems so far away, and I'm just waiting to fall in droplets". to feel like disappearing... is that low self-esteem? sometimes i like to run away from the crowd and find a corner in the middle of no-where, and i wonder if anyone will come looking for me, but if and when they do, i always just want someone to sit with me. not try and figure out what I'm feeling, just sit beside me and be in their own thoughts. why is it that everyone wants words to fill the silence. maybe that's why i like thunderstorms.. the silence is so precious between thunder, but the rain is never silent. the constant noise that everyone tries to achieve in life. am i afraid of silence? silence in my life? is silence automatically paired with loneliness? the go-go life seems to be the way of the 21st century. loneliness is man kinds greatest fear? maybe not.. maybe we like noise so that we dont have to think about all the emotions we are feeling? i love listening to music constantly if i can.. or i will sing constantly.. but i know when i need silence to figure out my thoughts...

a prayer

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His spirit in you inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do immensely more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen."
~Ephesians 3:14-21

His purpose

"For He Himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in Himself one new man out the two, this making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which He put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through Him we both have access to the Father by one spirit."
- Ephesians 2:14-18