blessings

its crazy when you find that someone that makes you smile, that their touch makes butterflies appear, and their eyes out shine the stars.
its even crazier when they understand you and still love you, after a visit to the rents.

i saw my mother this weekend, it was fun, we played a lot of scrabble. but we also had a lot of spiritual talks and talks about my family/siblings. i saw my oma, and we talked about my siblings, i saw my dad and step mom, and we talked about siblings.

is it really that hard to just let people be? to accept that we cant figure everyone out.. that not everyone fits a text book?
maybe im just tired of being in the middle. i dont know. i talked about joe alot this weekend too.. about how i stole my siblings child hood. and how thats affecting them now. being with my rents, makes me want to cry. so many memories that i wish i didnt have.
why is he being brought back up all of a sudden? i went years without hearing about him. then i see him once in four years, just in passing. and i tell no one in my family about the sighting. but now he's being brought up everywhere. i hate it.

i also discovered this weekend that i am a huge control freak. james quite honestly told me its because i grew up not trusting and having to take care of myself. so i need to be in control of my life and what happens in it. It makes perfect sense and i was already praying about it, when my mom brought it up and made it seem like i was ruining my life with this sin that has been passed on through the generations.
i also feel terrible because she thinks i tell her everything.. that i trust her...
again with my trust issues.

i want to thankyou james for listening, understanding and still loving me after my crazy stupid emotionally draining weekend.

fall season

a cool crisp day, cloudy yet bright. the wind gently turns your nose rosey and cold.
home made cookies, warm tea and wool socks.
fall is my favourite season. the colours, the smells, the crisp refreshing air.
good food and no pressure of gifts..
apple picking, pumpkin carving, roasted chestnuts sold on the street.

this is my inspiration time. experimenting with new ideas.. perfecting the old ones.
if money was not an issue.. i would be cooking and baking more than i listen to music or read my books.

and sitting beside lit candles instead of the glow from the tv or computer.

challenged

i need to feel challenged.
i love my new job, the atmosphere is fun and the people are great.
but i dont feel challenged. i've learned all the plates and im bored.
when i worked at auberge, i was challenged every day with speed, new recipes, responsibilities, pre plating, and every night there was a crazy rush. if i dont feel challenged at work.. am i going to be bored forever?
i've picked up a couple catering gigs.. im pretty excited for them. i get to challenge myself. put myself on a time limit, a budget.
but im worried. is this really my calling? im only twenty and im already bored with my current job.
i want a career that challenges me every day. that makes me sweat, get nervous.. conquer at the end of every day.

my boyfriend says i need a hobby. i remember at the end of my toronto life, thats all i wanted.. to do something that makes me smile, laugh.. something else i love to do either than cook. what happened to that? why am i so dissatisfied? is it living in a new place.. still getting a handle on the new surroundings?

i feel lost. i feel that i lost who i am, and what i love somewhere in saskatchewan.
when i returned i wanted to set goals. i dont even know where i would begin to find goals now.

is it so hard to support me?
am i that unpredictable.. that unorganized?
that child still?

is it wrong to ask for support...
encouragement..
prayer.

catch and release

to go back in time. to restart a moment.

the living, live to love each breath

cherish the strides down the cobble stone road.

ahh.. the life in ontario

so im officially living in kitchener waterloo. and i think im loving it. im taking my first transit experience to an interview in a few minutes.
i thought about it yesterday.. i realized i havent blogged in awhile. i should get back into it. the past couple weeks have been very interesting. with interviews, the boyfriend being so close, my birthday and the normal family drama that i get to be included in again now that im closer. im hoping that i can start to call this area at least, home. i havent stayed put in one place since i left home and even now, i know i will be moving soon. but i would like to at least call waterloo home. its a cute city. small yet large and its friendly.. im loving that part.
it was my birthday a couple days ago and i didnt really have a big celebration.. it was kinda nice. im twenty.. im old officially no longer a child.. boo. lol
but there was no big family get together, no terrible singing and it was nice. no awkwardness.
lol well i should get going. i will blog when i get back after my hour and fifteen min. bus ride. lol

the count down

star gazing, shooting stars, amazing clouds, northern lights, sunsets and dirt road walks. this place is beautiful, but im ready to go home. to be with my love, to be close to the ones i love. im leaving this place with only the best memories saved in my mind. a road trip home is going to be awesome, long and tiresome but soo worth the memories i will make and the exciting times i will share with a girl who is going to be in my life forever. life.. is an adventure and im not backing down. this is exciting times.