6 months

im sitting hear, exhausted. listening to Alexi Murdoch. texting my lover. praying thankyou's to my savior that ive been committed to him for 6 months. thats pretty much unbelievable. and after my freak out at work, my crazy rushed prayer time with god, asking for calmness, thanking him and trying to organize my thoughts.. well i realized ive never been happier, more at home and trusting with another person. this person that i thought could never exist.. well he does and he loves me.. its just the weirdest thing for me to grasp. im not a man hater.. i just dont have faith in... well any of them. but im being healed and im so happy i feel like im going crazy. we share our faith, our likes... well most of them, and dislikes.. well most of them lol. im just so excited. i feel so blessed. so lucky.

away we go

amazing movie. its artsy, small film, and perfect. its a movie about finding your home.. your roots, but also finding it with the person you love, and person being created in her.
made me laugh.. makes me want to go for a walk and just think about my life, makes me want to cry, and it makes me smile from deep in my heart.

a good day.

yesterday.. started out rough. i woke up 15 minutes before i started work... at 6am. didnt wash my face, or brush my teeth, or do anything with my bed head. work was fine, drank alot of coffee and before i knew it, it was 1pm and i got to leave! so my most amazing boyfriend picked me up and we went "shopping" or basically window shopping. it was probably one of my bestest afternoons. i was tired, gross and in my chef clothes, but mostly i got to spend all afternoon just him and me. it was perfect.

just tired

so yesterday i worked my first twelve hour shift at wild craft. i fell asleep at 11 last night.. full out pass out. waking up when my sister offered me a free ride to my place.. and i turned it down and continued to be numb to the world.
waking up i was still tired in my mind, but my body was already stretching and getting ready to be walked. so i went made myself a tea.. and now im wrapped in a blanket writing on my blog.

goals today:
read captivating.
re read chapter two of falling for god.
at some point i need to shower, and might need to go to my own house.

excitment for the day:
my lover might come visit me tonight!!! yea!

trying to clear the mind

trying to hear the silence
listening to music to hear the silence in between.

doesnt make sense does it?
how does music help me hear the silence...

why am i craving silence?
"and your raising the dead in me"

the mind creates silence..
because the world is never silent.

so those moments...
when words or sights...

make you stop.
think... silence.

hey love

Hey love Ive been thinking bout us
And this thing that weve got going
Its not your friends, its not my songs
What we have runs deeper

Hey love, come and talk to me
Tell me your dreams
I wanna know what picks you up, what makes you cry
Come open my mind

Thats fine we can sit a while
Or we can go dancing, dancing love
I dont care, as long as were
Together Ill be alright
Hey love

You should know that youre making me much better
You show me who I am inside
I know that this might sound crazy
But youve got me on a natural high

And Im never coming down
Im never coming down
Never coming down

Lets get old
Lets settle down
Well take drives in the country
Or stay at home and just fool around
Baby love it could be so nice
As long as were together

Thats fine we can sit a while
Or we can go dancing, dancing love
I dont care, as long as were
Together Ill be alright
Hey love

crazy, just crazy

ok! ... ok!
unbelievable.
it was one of those moments. it was almost like a break through in my life.
it was a realization of my biggest fears... i didnt think that i was still insecure. that im still afraid of being me because i think that those i love will leave if they know the real me.

it was a sad realization that i still have those insecurities. but it was an amazing release when the person i care for the most, didnt leave. to know that even we know so little about eachother, that i can share my deepest weaknesses and not be afraid.
its such a weird, amazing thing.
it was an amazing night.