struggles are what keeps us growing stronger.. right?

im sitting here.. doing nothing, on a regular basis, because my full time job is giving me part time hours and my energy to do something with my boredom seems so far fetched. so much is happening and yet i feel like im standing still. stuck in a time warp. i blink and i feel like its been years but its not even been a minute. im so tired.. my entire future is changing and i feel lost and abandoned by my own self. searching for who i was before my life became a mess of mistakes.. too bad my memories only start when i was old enough to make mistakes.

i feel like im in a constant state of being judged.. and now.. there is no way i can get out of that.. ever. im comparing myself to the other relationships i admire or relationship i dont so much admire, but it seems they all got it right.. how is it possible to find the perfect man, yet still mess it up?

find a hobby.. thats the advice i've been told about marriage.. find a hobby.

with two people who so much like to be individuals.. are stubborn and competitive.. but love eachother... im afraid of what marriage will do to me... what becoming a mother will do to me.

ps i miss you.. thats all it takes for me to forget everything i just wrote and was feeling.

im way over my head.